Beyond Reasonable Doubt
by brandstifterin
Summary: After Sahira and Rafi split up, Sahira needs to know beyond doubt whether embarking on a relationship with Henrik Hanssen is the right thing to do.
1. Chapter 1

"Where's Sahira?" asks Rafi bluntly as he barges into the consultant's office without wasting time on pleasantries.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Raza" replies Jac Naylor deliberately stalling and then with a smirk "I think you'll find that Nigella and Hubby are having a heart-to-heart, at least that's the official story". She enjoys tormenting Rafi with her constant barbs and insinuations about the relationship between the director of surgery and his favourite registrar.

Rafi glared at her and spun around to leave the office so fast that he almost hit Dr. Hope who was entering the office looking displeased. Rafi pushed past him without a word and left, slamming the door behind him.

"I heard what you said, Jac, there was no need for that" he admonished tiredly "it'll just cause trouble and get Mr. Hanssen on your case."

In Hanssen's office, Sahira is attempting to get this review over as quickly as humanly possible. She's aware that they (particularly Jac) believe that Hanssen is medicine's answer to Dracula and that may explain why she feels that he's making this performance review drag.

She's used to him being silent, thorough, even downright unresponsive to the outside world when his attention is on his work. She knows it's part of what makes him and what makes him so great at what he does.

As she continues to look around the office, waiting for him to finish a particular section before asking all manner of frustrating questions about it, she frowns and turns her attention back to Hanssen and really looks at him.

The ever-present bags under his eyes seem more pronounced and she notes that he looks thinner than he usually does. His waistcoat has made a reappearance recently and she wonders what it hides.

"Henrik?" No response. She tries again, voice a little firmer "Henrik!" He looks up at the unexpected interruption with an unguarded expression before he frowns and the emotional shutters come down over his face. She stores the look away for analysis at a later date, it's not what she wants to talk about.

"Miss Shah" he pauses before continuing "I do not..."

"Henrik" she cuts him off mid sentence, cringing on the inside, knowing how much he hates that. "How are you?" she finishes. She looks away, knowing that to her own ears that sounds lame, she doesn't want to know what he thinks of it. 'Some things really do sound better in your head and that is where they should stay' she berates herself silently.

Silence. She is still looking at her hands in her lap unable to meet his eyes. "Miss Shah, do you have anything meaningful or indeed relevant to add to this review? Because I..." Suddenly she's angry, at herself, at him and for the second time in as many minutes she cuts him off.

"Damn you Henrik! Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately, you look awful. You've lost weight and look like you haven't been sleeping. I am probably the closest person you have to a friend in this hospital, or probably in this country" she takes a deep breath, willing herself to calm down. She didn't realise that she had stood up and was standing over Hanssen's desk and wryly noted the reversal. She starts again, voice calmer and softer "Henrik, not only am I your friend but you're my friend too. I do care about you and seeing you like this is wrong. Something is wrong, what is it?"

He continues to stare at her with his head tilted slightly to one side, waiting for her to finish her little outburst which stirs something in him but he cannot and must not let it show and he is struggling. He inhales sharply and stands up from behind his desk, particularly glad that the height advantage he possesses has been restored. He turns away from her and strides over towards the window in his office staring out but not seeing anything in particular.

Sahira gives him several minutes to collect his thoughts but when it becomes clear he can't or won't talk she too goes over to the window and stands next to him. She places her right hand on his shoulder and encourages him to turn towards her and when he does so she allows her hand to fall to his.

"Just, if there's anything I can do, you know I'll be here in a heartbeat." Hanssen looks down at her with a small, sad smile and nods. He surprises her by pulling her into a strong embrace and resting his head on top of hers, savouring the moment, praying he hasn't given himself away. It's during this moment when Sahira's husband storms in through the door to the office and stops short at the scene in front of him.


	2. Chapter 2

Rafi turns and goes to leave the consultant's office, barely acknowledging Mr. Hope who was coming in the door. He feels sick when Jac says that Sahira and Mr. Hanssen are in a meeting. Together. Alone. He recalls Jac's smirk and it makes him angry. She knows that he hates her constant references to the relationship between the all-powerful Henrik Hanssen and Sahira and yet she continues to make them.

He angrily presses the lift button several times and paces in front of the doors. It feels like a lifetime but is in reality only ten or fifteen seconds and the lift still hasn't arrived. He gives up, not wanting to lose more time although he suspects he's too late anyway. Sixteen years too late.

He shakes that thought away and turns and heads towards the stairwell which leads to the fifth floor and the directors' offices. He reaches the fifth floor and stops for a moment, partly to catch his breath and partly to calm himself down. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He needs to move before he loses his nerve. A small voice supplies that it isn't only his nerve that he'll lose if he doesn't move and that thought gets him moving. He bursts through the stairwell door onto the hallway and strides up to Hanssen's office and enters.

At first Rafi doesn't see them, as he storms into Mr. Hanssen's office, he looks to the desk where at least one of them should be. He frowns in confusion and then catches movement out of the corner of his eye and looks to the window. They're there, together. His wife is in _his_ arms. He's never liked Henrik Hanssen; he's seen the way Hanssen looks at Sahira when he thinks no-one is looking.

Suddenly as the situation begins to make sense to Rafi, the fight leaves him. His shoulders sag as he acknowledges he's too late. He wasn't certain before, fuelled on suspicion and anger. He looks away from them and catches sight of the folder he's got in his hands, gripped so tightly that the knuckles are white.

Still nobody speaks, Hanssen hasn't moved from his spot at the window watching everything unfold. He doesn't know what has made Mr. Raza storm into the office and judging by the way he's breathing, he's run from the lower floors of the hospital. He waits, he'll find out soon enough. As the moment drags on he wonders how Rafi viewed the scene he walked in on, he

"Rafi?" Sahira asks quietly. "What is it? Is everything alright with Indy? What's happened?" She moves away from Hanssen, embarrassed that Rafi walked in when he did, thankful that he hasn't kicked off like she was afraid he might and unsure of what he means by the interruption. 'It must be important' she concludes, it's Rafi's day off and he's wearing his regular clothes. He knows that it's her performance review now and that you can't just storm in to Mr. Hanssen's office without a very, very good reason. Her attention is drawn back into the room by the sound of a voice.

"Mr. Raza..." For the third time in an afternoon, Henrik Hanssen is cut off mid-sentence. He raises his eyebrows but otherwise doesn't move, perhaps now isn't the best time for a reminder in etiquette and manners. The man in front of him looks emotional and Hanssen doesn't know how Rafi will respond to anything that he'll say.

"I went through the post today" Rafi begins, ignoring both Sahira and Hanssen, still staring at the folder. "This was addressed to you, Sahira, I opened it by mistake." Again he pauses, searching for the right words as he pulls an envelope out of the folder. He finally tears his gaze away from the folder in his hand and looks from Sahira to Hanssen and back again. He keeps his focus on Sahira as he adds "I signed it. For you too, Mr. Hanssen."

He places the envelope on Hanssen's desk and hands the folder to Sahira and turns and leaves the room without a word, ignoring Sahira calling after him. Sahira, torn, doesn't follow him. Instead, she turns back into Mr. Hanssen's office and closes the door gently. Hanssen is now standing by his desk, having opened the envelope that Rafi placed there with a peculiar expression on his face. She doesn't notice the second page that Hanssen puts into his jacket pocket.

"Miss Shah, we will reschedule the remainder of this review." It's not a question but Sahira shoots a questioning look at Hanssen, waiting for him to elaborate. "I find myself in the position of needing to recruit a new anaesthetic consultant. I will contact you later for a mutually acceptable time for continuing this review. Good day." He sits down behind his desk, tidies her folders into a pile and begins to work, dismissing her.

Sahira, still in a bit of a daze nods and leaves the room. She heads towards the lift and enters. She remembers the folder still in her hands and opens it and her stomach drops when she realises what Rafi has found. The divorce papers she'd had drawn up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thanks to everyone who's made it this far! All feedback and reviews are welcome; this is my first fic so please let me know how I'm doing, what I'm doing well or what I'm not getting quite right!

Apologies that this chapter is quite short, I've got the next one planned and partially written so hopefully it won't be too long before it goes up.

I should probably have put a disclaimer in before now although it's pretty obvious I don't own the characters or own anything really. I'm just having a bit of fun, I'll put them back where I found them when I'm done.

Chapter 3

It's gone ten o'clock by the time that Hanssen finishes up in his office. He hasn't left his office since the aborted performance review earlier that afternoon. Hanssen doesn't know what prompted Rafi's intrusion into their meeting but whatever discord exists between the couple, he has little interest in it and no desire to interfere. He buried himself in work as he often does when a situation makes him uneasy and as a result has had a productive evening.

He turned the lights to his office off just after half nine not wanting anybody to know he was still here. He surprised himself by sitting in the dark and thinking about the whole situation. He wouldn't usually devote any time to thinking about things like this. He can't comprehend the emotional side of relationship, not since medical school and he learned _that_ lesson. Learned it too well, perhaps. But this situation involves Sahira. He takes off his glasses and places them on the desk and pinches the bridge of his nose, tired.

He makes his way out of the hospital towards the car park and to his car. His thoughts on Sahira and Rafi, he frowns as he spots a note which has been left on the windscreen. He unlocks his car and puts his briefcase and his jacket on the front passenger seat before closing the door and moving to the front of the car.

He picks up the piece of paper and is confused when he finds no message. The placement of the note and the way it was folded suggests deliberate intent in placing it under his windscreen wiper and therefore it cannot have been blown there by the wind.

He turns around, looking for some kind of clue which would reveal the identity of the paper's owner. There's nothing but a very dark, empty car park. He moves back round to the driver's car door and dismisses the whole thing from his mind.

"Do you love her?" The voice surprises him and he drops the paper as he turns around to face the voice. Hanssen remains silent. He can't answer the question directly, he's contemplating how to deflect his questioner who takes his silence as answer enough as his eyes narrow. Hanssen realises this and knows that he must answer.

"My thoughts on Miss. Shah are mine and mine alone. They are no-one's business but my own."

It's apparent as soon as the words leave his mouth that that is the wrong thing to say. He had attempted to sound indifferent and that his thoughts on Miss. Shah were irrelevant and of no consequence to her husband because Hanssen isn't a threat or doesn't perceive himself to be one despite his feelings for her and he admits he does have feelings for her. If he's honest, he loves her, he has loved her for years. However, his attempt to sound indifferent about Sahira failed because he couldn't be indifferent about her. It's why he rarely responds directly to comments from Ms. Naylor in particular about Sahira, instead choosing to turn the tables on Ms. Naylor and make her and her shortcomings the focus of the exchange.

The figure lunges and swings his fist which connects with Hanssen's jaw. The tall Swede was unprepared for the hit and staggers backwards, hitting the side of his car and slumping to the floor. He gets in another strike before shouts interrupt him. Two paramedics who were on a break had seen Hanssen go down and are running over to intervene.

"Stay away from my wife!" The voice growls and the shape disappears back into the darkness.

He was utterly unprepared for the punch, he sees stars and his vision swims as he falls back against his car. The second punch hurts but there's too much pain being fed back to his brain so he gratefully sinks into the darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note**: I struggled to get this written. I knew what I wanted to say but it wouldn't play nicely. Ah well, hopefully I'm over that now and can get back to writing.

Thanks for all the lovely reviews so far and thanks for reading.

Chapter 4

Although Sahira wasn't working, she was sat at a desk in the on-call room reading a research paper on 'biventricular pacing for reversal of heart failure after cardiac surgery' which Mr. Hope had passed on to her. She needed the distraction from today's events and she thinks he knew that. Mr. Hope was more perceptive and aware than he let on.

After leaving Hanssen's office earlier in a daze and finding that Rafi had found and signed the divorce papers, she didn't go back to the wards straight away, instead making her way to the locker room. She sighs with relief when she doesn't meet anyone on the way or when there's anyone in the locker room. She goes to her locker and fishes out her mobile and switches it on.

A message comes through almost immediately and she nearly drops the phone. It's from her mother but she doesn't look at the message. She wants to speak to Rafi to explain the whole mess to him but his mobile is turned off and the home phone rings through to answer-phone. She sends him a text 'Call me, we need to talk'.

Later on after Sahira's shift has finished, she gets the opportunity to read through the folder that Rafi's given her the door to the on-call room opens and Rafi himself walks in and shuts the door behind him.

She stands and goes to him, relieved and moves to hug him. Rafi stops her and suddenly his anger at the whole situation, at Sahira, at Hanssen, at himself is back and without thinking he raises his hand and slaps Sahira across the face.

"It's him, you're having an affair with him. You're fucking him and you're married to me. How could you do that to me or to Indy!You've both treated me like an idiot, laughing at me behind my back while you fuck him. Have him, I hope he's worth it. You'll both get what you deserve."

Sahira, shocked and with tears forming in her eyes, raises her hand to where she's been struck shakes her head and pleads "No Rafi, we're not having an affair. Mr. Hanssen and I are nothing more than friends, never have been. You know that!"

He raises his hand to silence her and shocked, she complies. He tells her that he's resigned with immediate effect, he refuses to work with the man who's having an affair with his wife, that he's taken Indy to her mother's and told her everything, he's going to the house to collect his things and once he's gone, he'll be gone for good.

Sahira finds her voice then and tries to tell him that he's got it all wrong but he shakes his head at her and after a last look at her, he leaves. She sits, numb, with tears rolling down her face, staring at the window in the on-call room watching the sky change colour and the day gives way to evening and then finally to night.

She wants to speak to Hanssen but dismisses the idea, he wouldn't show any interest in the mess she has created. In fact, he'd probably announce something like 'without any family commitments, you may finally achieve your potential'.

For the second time the door opens and a figure steps in. Sahira turns and smiles at the friendly face and then her smile fades as Greg Douglas doesn't smile back at her or say anything. He comes to a stop a few feet in front of her.

"It's Mr. Hanssen..." He delivers the news without any emotional inflection in his voice, although Greg doesn't particularly like the man and has at times wanted to smack him a couple of times himself, he doesn't believe the man deserved what happened to him. "...Oh and you're listed as his next of kin." If he's honest he finds it weird that Sahira is down as Henrik Hanssen's next of kin but supposes that the Swede doesn't have anyone else to call and they have known each other for years.

As Sahira listens to the news of what's happened to Mr. Hanssen, she feels sick. She wants to dismiss the idea but can't shake the feeling that Rafi is involved somehow. She wants to ask if Hanssen will be alright but at the same time doesn't want to know if he isn't going to be ok. She gets up, she's got to find Henrik.

Greg notices that the left-hand side of her face looks a little swollen and as she moves past him he sticks out an arm to halt her. "What happened to your face, Sahira?" Greg asks softly. He doesn't believe her mumbled "it's nothing" but lets her push past him out onto the ward in search of Mr. Hanssen.

Sahira makes her way onto the middle of the ward before realising that she didn't know where Hanssen was being kept. She waits for Greg and his crutches to catch up with her and he leads Sahira to one of the private rooms. She feels relieved that Hanssen has not been put out on the main ward.

They reach the room and Sahira can see him through the window in the bed with machines all around him. Before she can enter the room, Greg pulls Sahira to one side and explains Hanssen's condition as being serious but stable.

"It looks like he was struck at least twice in the face and was either not expecting to have to defend himself or not able to defend himself from his attacker." Greg watches Sahira as she receives the news. He's curious about their relationship, he has been for a while. And now Sahira is down as Hanssen's next of kin.

"The intensity behind the beating wasn't accidental, it was almost certainly pre-meditated which is why we're keeping him in for the time being. Although we don't think he's in any immediate danger, you know how quickly things can change and he hasn't woken up yet which isn't a good sign. There is some kind of saving grace. Hanssen's attacker was interrupted by two paramedics on a break or this could have been much worse."

She nods, unable to speak at the info Greg's given her. She is still struggling to believe what's happened to him. He's the gentlest man that she knows. She accepts that he's manipulative when he needs to be and how he has made almost all the staff cry but he would never hurt anyone. His words are his weapon of choice and he shys away from any physical confrontation, he has as long as she's known him. He's never spoken much about his childhood but always figured that something or someone has made him the way he is.

She opens the door and moves over to the bed, hearing the door shut behind her. She gasps at what has happened to his face, his usual pristine appearance has been ruined and his handsome face is bruised and covered in dried blood. He's had stitches on the cut on his lower lip and she prays it won't scar although part of her knows it will.

Sahira picks up Henrik's right hand and holds it in hers waiting for him to wake up. She refuses to consider that he might not. She sits down in the chair beside the bed and whilst waiting, lost in her thoughts she slowly falls asleep.

Later on in his shift when there's a lull between patients, Greg walks around the wards and makes his way towards the room where Mr. Hanssen is being kept. He can see the room by the time he reaches the nurses' station and recognises the figure about to go in. He calls out to the man who is surprised, turns, sees him and suddenly walks away without entering the room.

'More pieces of the puzzle' thinks Greg who doesn't understand why the man wouldn't go into the room where his wife is when he saw that Greg had seen him.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A few hours later Greg goes back to check on Mr. Hanssen and is pleased to find that he's awake and talking to Sahira. Greg is less pleased to know that Sahira is still holding his hand. He stops at the window and decides that his questioning can wait a while longer, no doubt Sahira has checked Hanssen out already and if there were any problems, she'd have let him know.

He floats back towards consciousness and works out from the sounds that he's on the ward. He savours the last few moments before he opens hi eyes and the world intrudes.

He takes a deep breath and notes that his chest hurts and that he aches all over, he then opens his eyes. He's immediately aware of three things: judging by the light outside it is very early morning; his head feels like it's banging from one side of his skull to the other and he groans, unable to stop himself; the third thing he's aware of before his eyes close is that Sahira is with him. It makes him feel better when she's around. He's tried to move on but he can't deny that he still loves her, even after 16 years.

He steels himself and opens his eyes again. The angle of Sahira's head on the edge of his bed can't be comfortable for her and he should really wake her up but he can't help himself but watch her for a few more minutes.

A lock of hair has fallen across her face some time in the night, obscuring his view of her and he goes to move it back when he realises that she is holding his hand. It's a bittersweet moment for him; a stolen moment to become a memory to add to his collection of her, he accepts that they will never be together. She doesn't love him the way he loves her and it's with a bit of regret that he extricates his hand from hers, missing her warmth immediately. He puts his hand on her shoulder and gently shakes her, remembering how she has the ability to sleep through almost anything.

Sahira wakes when someone starts to shake her shoulder. It must be Rafi thinks Sahira sleepily. She's obviously fallen asleep at her desk again reading something and he's come over to stop her getting a stiff neck, her heart lifts because they've been so distant recently. Then she remembers that Rafi has left her and the boys and she sticks her head up and find she has indeed got a stiff neck but she looks up into her favourite pair of brown eyes which are amused and she forgets her discomfort.

"Henrik..." She instantly goes into doctor mode and assesses all his responses and checks his pulse, shushing Hanssen when he tries to speak. Still mildly amused and without the energy to argue with her, Hanssen lies back on the pillows and allows her to finish her ministrations. It's been so long since anyone cared enough to fuss over him he thinks sadly that he won't object to her mother hen impression.

"How do you feel Henrik?" asks Sahira after a few minutes.

"Better because you're here" he replies. Sahira smiles and shyly looks down, she'd almost forgotten about this softer side of Henrik Hanssen, it's been so long since she's seen him. He waits a couple of beats before moving his hand again to cover hers. She looks at their hands and she crumbles.

The story pours out of her, about what they think happened to him. How the Police don't know who it was who attacked him, the CCTV doesn't cover that particular part of the hospital and how badly he was injured. Hanssen remains quiet, allowing Sahira the emotional release that she obviously needs. He normally abhors excessive emotional displays but with Sahira it's different, he's not sure why.

It's during this time that Hanssen notices Mr. Douglas walk past and look in and appear almost annoyed that Sahira is still with him and holding his hand. Greg's face creases into a frown and he walks away. His attention is brought back suddenly to Sahira when she squeezes his hand and asks, thinking out loud perhaps, if he knows who attacked him and what they could have wanted.

"I'm afraid that I have no idea who attacked me or what they wanted" states Hanssen. He hates lying to her, it's not the first time but each time he wishes it's the last time. He closes his eyes again, not wanting to meet her gaze, he's concerned that she'd see right through him otherwise. Within moments he's fast asleep again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

Mr. Hanssen wakes a second time and props himself up on his elbows. His immediate response is disappointment when he sees that Sahira is gone and that he's alone. He lets his head flop back down onto the pillow and he allows himself a frustrated sigh.

"You're not missing Princess Shiny Hair are you, Mr. Hanssen?" asks Jac Naylor from the doorway with a smirk fixed to her face.

Hanssen glares at her (it's either that or end up blushing at the accuracy of Jac's taunt and he wasn't going to give her any ammunition) and Jac's smirk becomes more pronounced as she sees she's scored a point.

Then her expression softened as she enters the room and shuts the door as she spoke "Sahira's gone to get a few things for you then she's going to take you home for a couple of days. After all, misery loves company and you both need each other right now."

Jac seemed to realise who she was speaking and Hanssen saw the mask go on as she informed him that "these are your discharge papers. Read this and then sign here. Should you feel any of these in the next 24 hours..." She pointed to a list of symptoms to watch out for and caught sight of his amused expression "...then I'm sure between you and Princess Shiny Hair you'll be able to work out what to do." She waited 'till he signed the form and left without another word.

He sat up and went to get up so that he could start to get changed back into the professional Mr. Hanssen that everyone saw him as. As he was searching for his clothes he realised he didn't have any and would have to wait for Sahira. He sighs exasperatedly and pulls the covers back over him. As much as he detests being seen lying down he can't sit up or walk around in the patient gowns, he's too tall for them. He's not in control of the situation and he doesn't like it.

Sahira enters the room a few minutes later with a bag of clothes for Hanssen in one hand and what looks like car keys in the other. When she sees he's awake and sitting up, she smiles at him softly. Almost shyly he notes.

"Hi." He can't help but smile back softly at her and he responds in kind as she moves closer to him, stopping as she reaches the edge of the bed. She reaches out a hand and runs her fingers over his split and stitched lip, her eyes welling up. Hanssen notices and lifts his left hand to cover hers and move it away from his face. He holds her hand in his lap and runs his thumb over the top of her hand.

"If you two are done making eyes at one another?" interrupts Jac, walking in without knocking as she usually does "then before you go" she addresses Hanssen "I need a couple of signatures." Jac's entrance changed the moment and the soft gentleness is replaced is replaced with an odd tension that continues even after Jac breezes back out. Sahira moves away from the bed and awkwardly hands him the bag of clothes before turning to leave so that he could have some privacy as he got changed.

"Sahira" his voice was softer than usual and she turned around deciding that Henrik was speaking to her rather than Mr. Hanssen. He opens his mouth a couple of times as if to say something but finishes with "thank you for the clothes."

It wasn't what he wanted or meant to say and they both know it but Sahira has known him long enough to know better than to push him if he isn't ready. She isn't above teasing him though.

"They're as much for my benefit as they are you for, Henrik" she begins with a mischievous smile. "I'm not sure I could protect you from all the women and some of the men on the ward if you were to leave this room in just that gown." She laughs at Hanssen's slightly shocked expression.

She leaves Hanssen to get changed in higher spirits than she has been in the past 48 hours.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Notes:** Thanks for making it this far, I think I have an idea about how I want the next few chapters to go so hopefully they'll write themselves soon.

Thanks for all the reviews so far, they've been lovely. I'm relatively new to Holby City so if I've not gotten something quite right, please let me know.

Disclaimer – I own nothing, I am merely playing with the characters and will put them back when I'm done with them.

Chapter 7

She waits at the nurses' station and Eddie comes over to chat to her, something about Luc, she's not really listening. She knows when Mr. Hanssen has left his room because the noise on the ward drops a little as everyone who is capable of looking at the tall Swede striding across the floor does. Striding over to her she notes smugly and then wonders where that thought came from.

She isn't sure whether Hanssen knows the effect he has on people but she supposes he does because Henrik Hanssen isn't one to miss a trick.

"Miss Shah, shall we?" He asks from behind her shoulder and then appearing to the side of her with an arm outstretched in the direction of the lifts. He nods politely at Eddie and they proceed towards the lifts.

Sahira loves the way he says her name at work. Even when she was newly married, he refused to call her 'Mrs. Raza' and instead kept calling her 'Miss Shah' it annoyed Rafi to no end. It was something she'd wondered about and she made a note to ask him about it but is distracted by Hanssen pressing the button for the fifth floor instead of the ground floor level she was expecting. He answers her question before she has a chance to ask it.

"There are a couple of items I require from my office before we leave. I had not anticipated the events of last night and as such must alter my plans accordingly." Hanssen tells her without explaining anything, a favourite tactic of his and one she's all too used to and won't let him get away with.

"I hope that doesn't mean work, you know as well as the next person that the next 72 hours are for rest, Henrik. You were attacked last night and are as such recovering from that. You've been told you can't come into work..."

"Quite done, Miss Shah?" Hanssen interrupts her before she really gets going on a rant. They're only in a small space and his has no wish to feel trapped. "I have to complete a quarterly report for the Department of Health; it is due this Friday and it is not a deadline that I can even think about not meeting. Since the departure of Ms. Beauchamp I am the sole Director of Surgery and such responsibility can lie with no other." He takes a breath "Sahira, I have nearly completed this report, do you really think I'd leave something this important to the last minute? How long have you known me?"

She doesn't answer, knowing that he's right but unwilling to give him total satisfaction by confirming it. The remainder of the journey in the lift is completed in a comfortable silence with both of them staring at the door and Hanssen with a small smirk on his face.

They are still silent as they exit the lift and walk towards his office and Hanssen unlocks the door. It's exactly as he left it the other evening, he's unsure what else he was expecting to find but there's nothing out of place. He shakes his head at himself for being ridiculous and moves towards his desk to collect the folders he was after.

Sahira stands by the door, feeling out of place and like a new F1 waiting for an invite in from the hallway. Hanssen picks up a couple of folders and decides what he has is enough. His laptop and other folders are still in his car from the evening he was attacked and once he's watered the plants in his office they leave, taking the stairs to avoid meeting anyone they know.

They exit the hospital and make their way towards the senior staff car park. As they approach Hanssen's car he slows down slightly and Sahira notices this and responds by gently placing a supportive hand on his arm with a gentle squeeze. He's unsure why he's slowed down, perhaps expecting a repeat of the previous evening's events but he acknowledges that there are differences, it's now broad daylight with a constant flow of people around and although Hanssen always believed that Rafi was capable of violence, he knows he isn't stupid enough to attack either of them now. He relaxes somewhat.

He reaches into his jacket pocket to collect his car keys that the paramedics had spotted and thoughtfully placed with his clothes when he was admitted last night. He pulls out his keys and as he does so, a piece of paper falls out and floats to the ground near Sahira who picks it up. Hanssen feels sick as he realises that its the note Rafi left him with his resignation letter.


	8. Chapter 8

"Sahira! Wait up!" Calls Greg as he runs across the car park to catch up with Sahira and Hanssen before they leave. Sahira sighs and tells Hanssen that she'll see him back at his house with an apologetic smile and hands him the piece of paper which had fallen out of his pocket which he gratefully takes back, relieved that she didn't unfold it and read it.

"I'll go home, tidy up and put the kettle on, we need to talk Sahira, don't be too long." Hanssen says as he gets into his car and starts the engine. Hanssen admits he is not a fan of Mr. Douglas, he accepts that the man is a skilled surgeon but his attitude towards his work leaves a lot to be desired in Hanssen's eyes. What troubles him more is the man's attitude towards Sahira; Hanssen understands Mr. Douglas' attraction to her all too well but he believes the Irish man just isn't good enough for her. Not that either himself or Mr. Douglas can really do anything about their love of another man's wife except dream.

Sahira walks back towards Greg who is now walking across the car park, having given up running to them now he has her attention. She sighs again, she doesn't have time for one of Greg's plans. "What's up Greg? I can't stay long, I've got to get over to pick up Indy from my Mum's." It's not a lie, she tells herself, she will have to pick him up but not until this afternoon. Not only does Hanssen want to talk, which in itself is rare enough but she needs to talk to Hanssen too and she won't miss this opportunity. She still hasn't told anyone about her and Rafi splitting up and she isn't sure how they are going to manage seeing each other at work. She wants Henrik's input on the matter, she's known him longer than anyone else and trusts him completely and he will be honest with her, brutally so if necessary.

Greg looks puzzled and also a little uncomfortable as he reveals why he ran after them "It's about Rafi" he begins.

Hanssen's trip back home is uneventful, there isn't much traffic on the roads and he makes the journey in about 20 minutes. He doesn't know how long Greg will detain Sahira but hopes she gets away sooner rather than later. He is frustrated that he doesn't know what Sahira and Rafi's plans are, will they move away if Rafi gets a new job elsewhere? He hopes he won't have to convince her to stay with him at Holby she's left him before and he has no desire to repeat the experience.

He tells himself to stop speculating and dealing in 'what ifs', he'll find out soon enough what their plans are and decides he needs to have a shower when he gets in and judging by the feel of his face, he should shave as well. He pulls up in front of his house, a relatively new building on the outskirts of Holby, far from his dream house but as he spends so little time there, it suffices.

Hanssen gets out of his car, collects his folders and laptop and goes inside. By the time that Sahira arrives, apologising for the delay, he has showered and shaved around his stitches. He almost scared himself when he looked in the mirror to see this gaunt unshaven man with some dried blood still around his mouth, a black eye forming and stitches in his lip. He pokes them and decides that despite their good work, it'll probably scar.

Greg didn't keep her too long but what he said disturbed her. She curses, distracted by that conversation she realises she can't remember which road it is that Hanssen lives on. When she does arrive at his door and confesses the reason for her delay he teases her gently about her general lack of sense of direction but her response is slightly subdued. A change from when they left the hospital together, he wonders what Mr. Douglas has said to her and invites her in.

They're sitting down to a light lunch at Hanssen's kitchen table, a chicken salad making small talk about various patients. She notes that he looks better now he's showered and shaved, more human, less vampire. There is a little bit of awkwardness between them and it bothers Hanssen. He doesn't know how to make it better, he's never been very good at being in the same room as someone when not in a professional setting, admittedly he's not had much practice. They finish the meal in silence and Hanssen directs Sahira to his living room whilst he tidies away.

As she wanders through the house she notes that all of his houses since she's known him have looked the same, in that there's not much to say that he lived here or even that anyone lived here really. She walks into the living room and over to the fireplace and sees a photo on the mantelpiece. It is of a smiling lady in, Sahira guesses, her mid to late 30s, sitting on a chair indoors with a small boy of 7 or 8 staring solemnly into the camera in a protective stance behind the woman. Sahira realises it must be Henrik with his mother back in Sweden. The image of the young Henrik standing with his mother is so cute that she smiles and as she does so, she becomes aware of a grown Henrik standing behind her.

He's standing there, head tilted a little, looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face. Maybe they should start off on neutral territory for their chat, Sahira doesn't know anything about either of his parents or anything really about his life in Sweden despite being the closest thing he's ever had to a friend, at work at least.

"Your mother?" She guesses and is rewarded with a cup of tea and a nod. "Tell me about her." Hanssen remains silent and turns to find a seat and sits. He finds he doesn't know where to begin. No-one had ever asked him about his mother and he had never volunteered any information about her. He has little desire to revisit his childhood memories after she died and he has no intention of telling anyone about what he suffered at the hands of his father before he was sent away to England.

"Another time, perhaps, right now I find myself in the position of needing to advertise for a new anaesthetist. Will I also be required to advertise for a new CT Registrar?" Sahira doesn't understand his question and tells him so. He sighs, becoming impatient with her, why is she pretending not to understand?

"With Mr. Raza's resignation from Holby with immediate effect..." He begins again, frustrated that he'll have to spell it all out for her.

"Rafi's resigned!" Sahira sits there stunned for a few moments trying to process the news.

"I had no idea, when? What did he say? Did he give you a reason?" Unconsciously her hand moves to her face where Rafi struck her, the action is noted by Hanssen and it confirms his suspicion.

"You were unaware of Mr. Raza's decision?" Now it is Hanssen's turn to be perplexed by recent events. "If you were unaware, I take it you did or do not intend to leave the hospital with Mr. Raza?" His mind is beginning to race, calculating and discarding possible scenarios. Sahira sighs, this wasn't how she wanted the talk to go, it seems that they both have information the other was unaware of.

"We're getting a divorce, the papers are signed, it just needs the official stamp on it all now. I guess we've both been considering our futures recently and they haven't involved each other. We've been so distant with each other since Indy was born, I guess. Everything changes with a small child, we tried but thing just haven't been working out. We barely see each other any more, let alone speak to one another, in fact, I spend more time with you than Rafi..." She trails off for a moment, his words from the previous evening in the on-call room begin to make more sense to her.

"I'm not leaving Holby, I had no plans to and with Rafi's leaving, it makes it easier. I wasn't sure how we were going to manage seeing each other at work. Has Rafi said anything to you other than he's resigning? Did he tell you why?"

"Why would he?" Hanssen's better at this game than she is, he always has been. She gives in, she might as well tell him Rafi's suspicions.

"He accused me of having an affair with you, he refused to believe we weren't and never have. Do you know what Greg told me?" She tells Hanssen about Rafi's visit to the ward overnight. About how Rafi must have seen how Sahira fell asleep waiting for Hanssen to wake up, holding his hand and about how Greg interrupted him "and he just turned and walked off without waiting, almost like he'd been caught."

Hanssen is silent as Sahira explains more events of last night. He's concerned, not so much for himself, although last night's beating has stirred up some unpleasant memories, he'd go through it all again to keep Sahira safe. No, he's concerned about Indy and Sahira; attacking a man perceived as a rival late at night in the dark is one thing but attacking his own wife in a lit hospital room is something different. What if Greg hadn't called out to Rafi? What was the man about to do?

"What happened to your face, Sahira?" enquires Hanssen though he's sure he already knows the answer. She's been expecting the question but she still has no answer to give him other than the truth, she can hardly lie to him, she's never really been able to lie to him. She might not tell him the truth but she always gets the feeling that he knows she's not being truthful and is going to humour her anyway.

"When did you last speak to Mr. Raza?" Hanssen asks again when Sahira doesn't answer, he suspects he already knows the answer but needs to have it confirmed. Although he is unsure what he'll do with that knowledge and whether he wants it confirmed.

Sahira stands up from the sofa and walks across the room. He's concerned that he's pushed too much and she's about to leave, not that he can stop her but he doesn't want her to go, he never has. As much as he enjoys the view afforded to him by her exit from any room he's in, when she leaves he always feels lonely, regardless of how busy the room may be.

He releases the breath he's unaware he's been holding when she stops at the window and stares out. He waits for her to speak, knowing that what she's about to say is important for both of them.


	9. Chapter 9

He releases the breath he's unaware he's been holding when she stops at the window and stares out. He waits for her to speak, knowing that what she's about to say is important for both of them.

"Nine years ago I became pregnant." Hanssen is glad she isn't looking at him because he wasn't expecting her to say something like that and he wouldn't have wanted her to see his reaction even if she did know him well enough to know he wasn't as unemotional as he made out.

"It was New Years Eve, I was still relatively new at Ipswich. I'd gone out for drinks with some of the other doctors, we all had a lot to drink and at the end of it, I wound up spending the night with a young anaesthetist, Rafi." Hanssen isn't sure he wants to hear this.

"After a few weeks I put two and two together and discovered I was pregnant. It took me nearly a week to pluck up the courage to tell him. He offered to marry me and I accepted, I couldn't not, my parents would've killed me."

"At some point during my second trimester I miscarried." She shuts her eyes, remembering the emotional pain rather than the physical pain. "Rafi was as supportive at first as he ever gets. I think he was furious that it wasn't under his control. There was never a satisfactory explanation about why it happened. One of those things I guess." She tries to sound matter of fact about it but it's still as raw as ever.

She sighed, turned around and whispers "last night wasn't the first time Rafi hit me. After that first time he apologised like crazy and things were, ironically, better than they'd been for a long time."

"Rafi never wanted children." It surprises Hanssen but he remains silent. "When I became pregnant with Indy he grew suspicious and moody. He accused me of having an affair, that the baby wasn't his. You'd not been long at Southampton with us and he thought you and I..." Hanssen's fists clench at the injustice that Sahira faced and he had had no idea. Rafi really didn't deserve someone like Sahira. He didn't love her the way that Hanssen has for all those years. He takes a deep breath and wills his hands to relax. He'd overheard a comment by Rafi to Sahira just after Indy was born about there being three in their marriage and although Hanssen had thought it strange, he'd assumed that Rafi was referring to the addition of Indy to the family, now it made sense that in fact Rafi had meant Henrik. The thought made him a little uneasy, had his behaviour been such that Rafi knew he loved Sahira or was the man just blaming the nearest man?

"Things got better again for a while after Indy was born and Rafi saw that Indy is the spitting image of him. As much as I was afraid of Rafi and what he would do, I was determined to stay with him for Indy's sake. Maybe I should have left Rafi then, Indy wouldn't have known any different." She frowns.

"It really started up when I announced that I was getting a job here in Holby. I didn't think to mention that you were the Director of Surgery, he found out by accident when he saw you on a news interview about something or other and he really let me know how he felt about that." She grimaces at the memory of Rafi's anger. "He was careful about what he did, for what that's worth. There were never any bruises or marks on visible skin. Although Jac Naylor wandered in on me getting changed one day and I had to lie. I don't know if she believed me or not but she's been a little less abrasive to me after that episode."

"You always seemed to know, you have only ever called me Miss. Shah, never Mrs. Raza. Why is that?" Hanssen's face reveals nothing but underneath his mind is trying to come up with a plausible reason that doesn't involve jealousy. "It was your professional name when we met." He's not convinced it's good enough.

"Even though I asked you once after I married?" He didn't enjoy being right all the time but he doesn't mind too much, he's relieved she can still smile at him when she catches him out. "Habit?" Ventures Hanssen, both knowing it's not true. Thankfully she drops the subject when she sees the time.

"In the end I had had enough, I spoke to a friend who suggested getting the divorce papers drawn up in an attempt to 'scare' him into transforming into a nice man" she laughs at the absurdity of that plan. "I didn't get the opportunity to tell him, he signed them as soon as he saw them, tells you all you need to know, I guess. Anyway, I've taken up way too much time talking at you and I need to pick up Indy and face my mother."

Hanssen doesn't want her to leave but he knows that she needs to go. He also needs to finish this report and he can feel the start of a headache coming on again, if he's not careful it will become a full-blown migraine. He nods at her and collects up their mugs and takes them to the kitchen while she finds her bag and coat.

Stood on the doorstep as Sahira rummages in her bag for her car keys Hanssen finds he really doesn't want her to leave. He knows she has to go pick up Indy but maybe she could return after?

"You and Indy are welcome to stay here." He doesn't know why he has said it out loud "until things calm down" he adds. It's been a dream of his for years that he would wake up every morning and Sahira and their child would be living with him. In his fantasies it's always been his child but if given the opportunity he knows he'd love Indy as he loves his mother. They'd be happy together, be a family, something he hadn't realised that he craved.

She smiles softly at him, she'd love to say yes. Even when her marriage to Rafi was at its best, she still imagined being with Henrik, waking up next to him every morning. However, she has a perfectly good flat which bears the tell-tale signs of a small child.

"Thank you Henrik, but we'll be ok, besides, I'm not sure your ordered and precise life would cope with a small boy." Grateful for his offer though Sahira rises up and kisses Hanssen on the cheek. "Thank you Henrik, make sure you rest. I'll see you on Friday and not before!" She gets into the car and Hanssen watches her drive away until she turns out of the road. He glances up and down the street before he goes inside.

Sitting in a car less than 30 feet away, the man stews watching Sahira kiss Hanssen. He warned Hanssen away from her and he hasn't listened to him. That's a mistake.


	10. Chapter 10

"It is a waste of time and resources; she is not strong enough to survive the strain of the operation. The answer is still no, I will not allow the procedure to go ahead Miss. Shah, it is unfortunate but that is life." Hanssen states with finality at Sahira and then turns away from her to move on to the next part of the ward, he needs this inspection completed by lunchtime and Sahira is delaying him.

Sahira isn't having any of it. "She's a human being Mr. Hanssen! She has a blocked artery which is a routine operation, we must operate" He cringes slightly at the tone of her voice, he knows she's in danger of becoming upset. "She'll get years rather than the mere days she's currently facing." She gets no response from him as he moves away.

"You'd just let her die? She's someone's mother, what if she was your mother? Would you want the doctors to let her die without even trying to save her?"

He freezes and she's knows as soon as the words leave her mouth that she's overstepped a boundary and it seems like the worst thing she could have said to him. After a moment which feels like an age to Sahira, Hanssen turns around and grabs her by the arm ignoring the look of fear and the knowledge that this is how it started with Rafi, he's too angry to care.

"My office. Now." comes the quiet but deadly command. She shrugs out of his grasp. "No. I have patients." With that she almost runs away from him, towards the safety of the women's locker room before the tears begin to fall.

He stands there stunned that she has disobeyed a direct instruction from him. He won't stand for it. He storms into the locker room after her, not caring that he shouldn't really be in there. He's furious, beyond angry. Out on the ward, Greg Douglas and Jac Naylor watch stunned as the unemotional Swedish giant strides after Sahira with a face like thunder. "Ouch" comments Greg "That's going to be painful. Good luck to her, she's going to need it."Jac doesn't reply just nods, staring at the door to the women's locker room before realising she still had patients to visit and she should probably check on Sahira's patients too, no doubt she'll be caught up with Hanssen for a while to remember them. Although her attitude to Sahira has mellowed a little, she still objects to picking up the slack when Nigella and Hubby have a row.

Sahira hears him enter behind her and waits for the explosion. For a man who doesn't do emotion; Henrik sure does anger well. She changes her mind, deciding that trying to speak first, to apologise for what she said as much as she can before he cuts her off as he's bound to do.

"Henrik..." She doesn't get any further before he speaks, he doesn't shout, his voice remains quiet and that worries her into silence.

"Miss Shah." Whenever they're alone it's Sahira and Henrik, it always has been. Only when others are in the room do they use their surnames so for him to revert to this when they're alone stings.

Later that evening Hanssen is halfway through proof-reading a section of the application for FT status when he gets a message that Mrs. Anderson has died sooner than expected through complications. He closes his eyes and rips his glasses off his face and throws them down onto his desk, desperately pinching his nose and trying to stave off the tears which are rapidly forming as he hears his Dad's voice scream and shout at him for having killed his mother. Is that what he's done again?

He knows the risks during the operation rendered that an almost impossible task and when he spoke to Mrs. Anderson last night she knew that and accepted that her time was almost done. He'd also wanted to protect Sahira from the emotional repercussions of almost certain failure. She'd become quite attached to the old lady during her brief stay on the ward.

He needs to see Sahira, to let her talk about the patient. He's aware that she'll more than likely blame herself as much as she blames him for the death. Finally, he admits that he needs to see Sahira for himself, he is soothed by her presence, even when she's angry at him. He wants to return that, to offer her comfort too. It's been a couple of weeks since the events with Rafi and although he knows it's too soon for her to even think about relationships, he can see she's struggling to cope with work and home. He wants to help her and be a bigger part of her life.

After Sahira left his house that afternoon she collected Indy from her mother's house. The next time he'd seen her, he'd asked how facing her mother had gone after what Rafi had told her mother when he had dropped off Indy. She started to explain that how after Sahira told her mother about the abuse from Rafi she'd become quite supportive and confessed that she's always suspected but had no proof. Their conversation had been interrupted by Mr. Douglas who Hanssen found was spending too much time with or following Sahira for his liking.

He stands up, his concentration broken, the report can wait until his mind is focussed. He goes to leave his office before realising he hasn't retrieved his glasses from his desk when he removed them after receiving the message about Mrs. Anderson.

He decides to take the stairs instead of the lift and uses the opportunity to try and have some idea of what he could possibly say to Sahira that wouldn't upset her. He's struggling, he's never been good with women, especially emotional women. He reaches the ward and spots Eddi, he walks over and enquires about the location of Miss. Shah and she sends him in the direction of the on call room.

He looks through the window and sees Sahira stood in the middle of the room who has clearly been crying having a hug with Mr. Douglas. Hanssen feels a surge of emotion he identifies as jealousy, that should be his role, not the Irishman's. He knocks and notes with some measure of satisfaction that as he enters the room Sahira pulls away from Mr. Douglas who looks less than impressed.

"Miss. Shah, a word please." Greg takes the hint and as he walks past Hanssen on his way out he glares at him, letting Hanssen know that in no uncertain terms he blames Hanssen for Sahira's unhappiness. He blames himself as well. They wait until the door has shut behind Greg before they speak.

She sighs and doesn't look at him. "Come to gloat about how you were right?"

"No." The softness in his voices surprises both of them. "I don't like being right all the time, believe it or not." This elicits a small smile which is quickly quashed by her, she doesn't believe it for a second. Sahira still doesn't meet his eyes but it's a start as far as he's concerned.

"Mrs. Anderson was going to die, in fact, when she was admitted we spoke about the possibility of an operation and the likelihood of any successful outcome compared to the risks she faced in undergoing the procedure. She concurred that letting her die in peace surrounded by her family than alone on my operating table was the lesser of two evils."

At this Sahira finally lifts her head and admits "I spoke to her, to try and change her mind and she told me what you said to her. I shouldn't have said what I said to you and I hope you know I don't mean a word of it. I guess I just want to save everyone. I know we can't but I refuse to give up on someone and that was how it seemed at the time. I'm sorry Henrik."

"I am aware all too well. When I was nine, my mother died of Ovarian cancer." He began, realising that this will be the first time since his mother died that he's spoken about her to someone who knows him. "Towards the end of her life, when treatment was no longer viable and palliative care was all that could be done..." He pauses for a moment to regain his composure, closing his eyes and Sahira sees the raw pain in his eyes before they shut. She knows that he's probably not told anyone else this. "Life wasn't the same without her but she died at home with her family rather than on a table during an operation which only delays the inevitable passing. As much as it pains all involved, it is the correct course of action."

She is silent as he turns and leaves the room, mask firmly back in place.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N**: Many thanks for your lovely reviews – they make my day! Usual disclaimers apply, not mine, only borrowing. On a bit of a roll recently, three chapters in two days! Next chapter half-written too! As before, anything that doesn't sound quite right or any mistakes, please let me know. This might be my own little universe for the characters but I'd like it to be as accurate as possible. Thanks for reading.

Chapter 7

It was bonfire night, nearly four weeks after the events with Rafi and Sahira was on-call. It was starting to get late and the wards were still relatively quiet. Not for long, she mused, she should enjoy the peace while it lasts.

It would be when the drinking really started that things would get busier. Alcohol and the violence which always seemed to follow in its wake did not mix well with fire and fireworks. Then the wards would get busy.

For now it was the calm before the storm and where was she on this fine night? On call, not out with the doctors and nurses who were off out tonight to unwind after a particularly demanding month. Nor was she with her family, well, what was left of her family. Indy was at her mum's house and Rafi, she shook her head. God only knew where he was.

Truth be told, she was annoyed, she had tonight off until a few days ago and was looking forward to having a couple of drinks with Greg and the others including, surprisingly, Jac. The other lady had softened towards Sahira and had extended an olive branch in the form of drinks for which she was grateful. She found herself barely able to keep up with a small boy and the demands of work, she was therefore very glad for the support she seemed to be getting. Sahira already knew what was coming when Mr. Hope found her and apologetically told her that her shift had been changed by none other than Mr. Hanssen himself.

She'd tried to find the Director of Surgery to get him to explain (she didn't expect him to change his mind, not even for her) but she couldn't find him. She walked past the operating theatres the previous day and did see him inside but missed him when he left. If he wasn't in theatre he was in continuous meetings with the board or not even at the hospital.

"Damn that man" she muttered as she sat at the desk, watching the clock tick the day away which she was going to start the new one as the finished this one, alone.

"I do hope you're not referring to me?" came the question out of the dark in a voice she knew as well as her own. It was so unexpected that he smiled briefly as he saw her visibly jump, she hadn't heard him enter she was so lost in her thoughts.

"Don't do that..." She scolded him as she willed her heart rate to return to normal. "...And I've been looking for you for days, I've tried ringing you, left you messages which you haven't replied to. You've ignored me. Why? And why was my shift changed?"

Hanssen was expecting this and if he was truthful probably deserved more of a reaction from her for the way he'd been over the past few weeks since the passing of Mrs. Anderson. He let her rant until, spotting a break in her speech he raised his eyebrows and enquired "Are you quite done?"

She should've known he'd want to say something like that but the fact he'd actually said it to her made her pause long enough for Hanssen to assume she was 'quite done'. "I wasn't avoiding you.." Hanssen started but was cut off by Sahira who wasn't in the mood for Hanssen's lots-of-words-but-no-actual-answer as was his wont. "You were!"

Hanssen glanced at the clock and felt he was running out of time. "Miss Shah, if you wish for me to explain, then I shall, however, I am unable and unwilling to talk through interruptions. Will you allow me to continue?" Sahira glared and then nodded. He suddenly felt quite nervous, he had to tell her.

"Yes, I changed your shifts. I, I wanted you here tonight. I made a promise to myself that I intend not to break." He moved closer to her. "I find that my usual eloquence has deserted me. I had a whole speech scripted out and yet I cannot remember my lines. You've known me for 16 years, you know how I am, what I cannot easily say."

"Henrik?" Sahira questions him, he hates having his personal space invaded by anyone so for him to be standing as close to her now as he is is quite unnerving.

Suddenly it all makes sense. 'Oh God, he's leaving.' All his meetings with the board. Had they achieved FT status? If so, he'd barely been at the hospital recently, was he checking out his new hospital to save? If they had achieved FT status then he was no longer needed at Holby. She didn't want him to leave, not without him knowing.

As he moved closer to her, he saw her eyes widen and then a flash of fear. It stopped him cold. She was afraid of him. It was like a knife to his heart. He couldn't tell her, it would hurt her. It might kill him but he found he didn't care.

His shoulders dropped and he took a step back, preparing to leave with his broken heart. He laughed internally at the irony of a cardiothoracic surgeon breaking his heart. Sahira saw what was happening, what he was planning, to leave the room, to leave Holby and to leave her. She was not going to let him. They'd both waited too long.

"Wait!" She lunged and grabbed him by the tie he was wearing as he began to turn away and pulled him back to her, bringing his head down so that their faces were centimetres apart. Sahira let go of his tie but Hanssen didn't move, he stood transfixed by her and so she reached up, grabbed the back of his head and kisses him. Hard.

As soon as his brain catches up he returns the kiss and he puts his hands on her waist, bringing him closer to her and holding her there between himself and the desk as they fight for dominance in the kiss. After a time he begins to realise that he needs to breath and reluctantly pulls himself away from her, sucking in great lungfuls of air. He's pleased to note that she is breathing heavily too. He gently moves a stray piece of hair off her face and after catching his breath, he closes the distance between them again and this time the kiss is more gentle but still hurried. Her lips are the softest that he's ever known, not that he knows much about kissing women a voice in his mind supplies unhelpfully. He silences it, now it not the time to be fighting himself.

"Don't leave me." Sahira whispers, placing her arms around him and tucking her head under his chin. Henrik is confused and pulls away from her slightly and asks her why she thinks he's leaving her. "All your meetings with the board and I thought we might have achieved FT status and if we have then you don't need to stay here any more and.."

"We have." Hanssen calmly interjects. "And all those meetings with the board were, in essence negotiations about the future of this hospital. I was brought in to achieve Foundation Trust status, we have achieved FT status and therefore I am no longer needed here."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: Apologies it's so short but it leads on to the next bit and this was quite a good place to pause. Thanks for all your lovely reviews about the story so far too. I'm not even close to being done yet so don't worry :-)**

"We have achieved FT status and therefore I am no longer needed here." His monotone matter-of-fact delivery unnerves Sahira more than the news he's telling her. She doesn't want him to leave, not after he told her how he felt about her with that kiss. Sahira clings tighter to him, hoping that it might make a difference but Hanssen gently extricates himself from her grasp and moves away a couple of paces, his mask firmly in place.

"The fact we have turned this hospital around and achieved FT status is testament to the hard work of all the staff here and we should all be proud of the parts we have played." She can't believe what she's hearing from him. "This isn't a press statement, Henrik." He continues as if he hasn't heard her.

"However, I do not believe that my job here is complete. The meetings with the board were in part negotiating the continuation of my tenure here as the Director of Surgery." He finishes with a smirk in response to the expression Sahira has on her face.

"So what, you thought you would waltz in here, drop the bombshell that you're leaving, kiss me and assume that I'd be fine with all this?" Sahira isn't sure whether she wants to kiss the Swede again or punch him. Perhaps both? She knows he does that deliberately.

"May I remind you that you kissed me." Comes the retort from the tall Swede with a smirk.

"Don't get smart, Henrik" His expression changes from amused and playful back to serious. "There remains one detail outstanding. I have yet to inform the board of my final decision. It is due by midnight tonight." They both look to the clock and realise he has approximately ninety minutes left at the hospital. "The board are understandably keen for me to remain here, however, I do not currently posses a reason to remain. Professionally speaking, staying here now my job is completed does not make sense."

He trails off and Sahira realises what he's trying to hard to say. "I needed to know for certain how you felt. I had to elicit a response from you." He looks so unsure of himself it would be almost comical if it wasn't so sad.

"Oh Henrik, only you. Anyone else would have just asked, not that I'm objecting to kissing you." She moves forwards back into his arms and slips her arms underneath his jacket and rubs soothing circles in an attempt to get him to relax a bit from his current stiff posture.

"I should have told you before that my regard for you remains as it has done for 16 years but at first I was afraid it would seem like I was taking advantage of the events surrounding Mr. Raza's leaving. I..." He finds he can't continue and berates himself for his inability to voice his feelings for her and drops his head in shame, looking at his feet as he moves away from her once more.

"It's ok, Henrik, me too." She reaches up and gently runs a hand down the side of his face, her fingers tracing the scar on his lip from that night before rising up to kiss him softly which he returns. "I want you to stay here and stay with me but it's too soon after Rafi, I don't know if I can or should commit to anything. I have a young boy to think about as well, he's had enough upheaval without adding someone else into the mix so soon."

"I understand. I shall inform the board of my decision. Good evening, Miss. Shah."

He begins to walk away but turns around part way to the door back onto the ward "I..." He grimaces, turns around and walks out of the room and only when the door clicks softly shut behind him does Sahira realise what she's done.


	13. Chapter 13

Hanssen doesn't turn on the lights as he enters his office. He knows the layout too well to need lighting and right now he wants to be alone in the dark. He turns on some music quietly and walks back towards his desk. He sits down and slumps forwards a little at how the evening went, disappointed that she wouldn't... he doesn't finish the thought. He had feared it would be the case, after all, everyone he loves leaves him one way or another. He's a man who can talk about medical procedures in excruciating detail but can't articulate how he feels in any language. His inability to tell Sahira that he loves her has just cost him his only opportunity for happiness, with her.

He's already written two emails to the board of the hospital, both saved in his drafts. The first email accepts their praise at his work but declines their offer to continue working at Holby citing his need for 'a new challenge'. The second email accepts their offer to remain and build upon the foundations he's created. He had hoped to delete the first and be able to use the second but after Sahira's comments about being unable to commit to him he finds that the first option is the more logical choice given the situation.

He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes, he's tired and it's been a long day, he hasn't slept well for a couple of days and it's beginning to show. Hanssen knows that as soon as he's sent the email he can go home and sleep, he has tomorrow off and can afford a small lie in. He opens up both emails once more, takes a deep breath, makes his decision and deletes one of the emails and presses 'send' on the other. He wondered if he'd feel relieved that it's done but he finds he still feels miserable.

Sahira stands still and silent for a few minutes staring at the door that Hanssen has just left though. Her first instinct is to run after him but she can't do that, not on the ward, leaving or otherwise, he'd hate that. She thinks back to what she said and his facial expression as he believed he was being rejected. That wasn't it at all. She needs to tell him that before he contacts the board. They need to have a conversation when they've both slept and are on an even emotional keel.

She decides that despite her fears, she would rather face them together, with Hanssen rather than on her own without anyone. She knows that he has the same concerns, he'd be uncomfortable with her calling them fears but that's what they are. She makes her decision and leaves the on-call room quickly and heads towards the stairs so she won't face any questions from staff about why she's running through the wards with no emergency.

Her luck runs out because as she leaves the on call room she almost runs into Greg who blocks her way and asks her about the rumours that Hanssen is leaving. She doesn't know how he knows already. She ducks around him and feigns ignorance. Greg watches her walk away from him and think that sums up their relationship. He can't quite accept that his attraction to her is one-sided as he tries to extinguish the hope that she'll change her mind.

She's out of breath by the time she reaches the floor where Hanssen's office is located and there's no light shining out under the door. She catches her breath while she stands outside his office, wondering what to do now and she hears faint strains of classical music. She bursts in through the door into a dark room and waits for her eyes to adjust.

"It is considered impolite to enter a room without knocking, Miss. Shah?" She winces at the formality in his tone and locates him by the illumination from the computer monitor. She takes a step towards him and her mind goes blank, she doesn't know what to say and panics. "Yes, Miss. Shah? Do you possess..."

"You know what everyone says on the wards, Henrik? Even the patients say that you love me. Tell me if that's true, before you send that email..."

"My email to the board has already been submitted." He interrupts her and deflects the question away from his feelings for her.

"So that's it? You're ready to give up and move on?" He can see her almost deflate as she realises she's too late, would she have made it in time if she hadn't met Greg? She curses him anyway. She can feel the tears spring up behind her eyes and she closes her eyes hard, willing them not to betray her and fall.

"I found myself with little practical alternative." Hanssen begins looking into the distance, his voice quiet and she has to concentrate to hear him. "I apologise unreservedly for placing my own wants above the needs of you and your son. As I told you once before, I simply cannot let you go. I find myself unable to contemplate life without you, in any capacity."

"To that end I have told the board that I will remain here for the foreseeable future. I shall however continue to hope that..."

"You're staying?"

"I believe Miss. Shah, that was what I just said." There's no impatience in his voice, only tiredness which Sahira picks up on.

"Oh thank God, I thought I was too late." She moves forward and sits in the seat in front of his desk and reaches out a hand to place over his. "I'm no good at this, I'm worried I'll let you down, that I'll say the wrong things. You are the most wonderful man I know and deserve someone who will make you so happy, I don't know if I'm her. I want to be. I want to be with you and I love you and want you to let me love you." She doesn't know where the words are coming from but they're what he needs to hear and what she needs to say to him.

"What we need right now is for both of us to get some sleep and have this conversation when we're not running on caffeine." Hanssen has to admit, she has a point and he considers his next move. "Why don't we have this conversation over dinner?" She looks a little wary and he amends his question "as friends, to celebrate achieving FT status perhaps?"

"I can't leave Indy, my mother looks after him more than she should as it is. How about we eat at mine and talk there?" She doesn't realise she's holding her breath until he nods and she exhales in a rush. "That is acceptable. I believe we both have the weekend free, how about Friday evening? Say 7pm?"

They walk back down the stairs together after leaving his office and as they reach the ward level they pause, unsure of how to part. Sahira notes that Hanssen looks like a giant schoolboy, unsure whether a kiss would be welcome. She decides to save him the trouble and standing on a higher step she leans forwards and kisses him softly. He steps forward to meet her kiss and places his hands on her hips and he tries not to deepen the kiss although he wants to.

"Goodnight Henrik." Sahira breaks away, steps past him and through the door onto the ward without looking back. "Goodnight Sahira" he whispers after her. He's relieved she didn't look back because he realises he must have a goofy expression on his face and he'd never live it down if she caught him. It wouldn't do for anyone to see the Director of Surgery looking like that so he straightens himself up and with a lighter step than he's had in months he walks to the car park to go home.


	14. Chapter 14

Sahira finds herself with the afternoon off work and Henrik coming over in the evening. She's got several hours to kill before dinner and she's already nervous. At least twice she's picked up her phone to text Hanssen and call it off but doesn't manage to pluck up the courage to press send either time.

She decides that the best way to distract herself and pass the time is to tidy her house. She suspects it's not ever looked so tidy and organised since she's lived there. Indy is bathed and playing in the living room with a couple of toys. The weather is starting to look ominous with some dark clouds moving over. It starts to rain as Sahira is finishing off their dinner and preparing to put it in the oven on a low heat to keep warm.

About six pm Sahira herself showers and gets changed, she debates about what to wear thinking that she can't really dress up as she's at home and that would be weird for both of them, she also can't be too casual though she can't find a good reason to justify that. She imagines that Hanssen will be coming straight from work and will be wearing his suit, at the very least a smart shirt and trousers and so she eventually decides on a jumper and grey trousers. She glances at the clock and rushes downstairs to pick up Indy and his toys and deposit him in his room. For once her luck is in and he's tired and almost instantly goes to sleep without needing a story, she's relieved, she didn't have time for the bedtime performance. She watches him for a moment before turning off the light, closing the door and going downstairs to wait for Hanssen.

It's nearly ten past seven and there's no sign of Hanssen yet. The thoughts are beginning to fly through Sahira's mind, wondering if he'd forgotten about their date, was it even a date? They were having dinner in her living room, she really can't call that a date. Perhaps he's decided that getting involved with one of his registrars isn't such a smart idea after all, regardless of how he feels about her and he isn't going to turn up at all and she'd get a phone call from him in a minute with some excuse or other.

Would she mind if he cancelled? She admits probably not, not because she doesn't want a relationship with him, that's not true at all, she isn't sure if she's ready for a relationship so soon after Rafi but if it was going to be with anyone, it would be with him. She probably wouldn't mind too much if he cancelled because she's never really done this sort of thing before; she didn't go out on dates at school, college, university or at work or spend time getting to know Rafi. She was pregnant and then suddenly they were married, that was it. She supposes this is her first real date and she's really quite nervous about it.

She would be nervous enough, she supposes, without the fact it's none other than the eminent Director of Surgery Henrik Hanssen, her friend for the last sixteen years. Not that it's going to be at this rate, it'll be dinner for one, again.

It's now quarter past seven and there's still no sign of him. She's so busy trying to convince herself that he is coming over, that he's just running late because she'd know by now if there'd been an accident because he has her listed as his next of kin and that something she wants him to explain and she should probably update her own information now Rafi's gone. She shakes her head to focus her thoughts back to Hanssen and his non-appearance that she shrieks and nearly falls off the sofa when the phone rings.

After risking whiplash from turning her neck so quickly to look at the offending phone she shakily takes a deep breath to calm herself down whilst preparing herself for the inevitable 'Ah, Miss. Shah...' She picks up the phone and is surprised to hear her mother's voice chirping away about their plans for the weekend with Indy. Sahira tries to interrupt but her Mum is having none of it until she's outlined their whole weekend.

"Yes Mum, sounds great, looking forward to it, listen, I can't talk, there's someone at the door, I'll see you tomorrow." She lies and wonders what it is that she's agreed to do with her mother because she wasn't paying her any attention. After hanging up she thinks reluctantly 'if only there was someone, a certain someone at the door'. Twenty five past seven and she accepts that he isn't coming over.

They both have the weekend off work so she has a couple of days to work out how to speak to him on Monday and find out why he hasn't turned up. She realises she's disappointed that he hasn't come over despite her nerves about the evening.

A thought springs to her mind and it amuses her 'what if he was as scared as I and he's chickened out?' She smiles softly at the thought as she tidies away parts of the meal, she doesn't consider it likely, Henrik Hanssen isn't one to 'chicken out'. Then again, as long as she's known him he's never had a girlfriend and he's never given any indication that there's ever been one, perhaps Henrik Hanssen does 'chicken out' after all.

She makes herself a cup of tea and settles down on the sofa in front of the TV, not really noticing what's on, her mind on a particular Swede. She's almost finished her cup of tea when there's a knock at the door, she's not sure whether it's her imagination willing it. The second knock a minute later confirms she isn't imaging things.

She gets up and crosses the room and opens the door cautiously and when she realises who is standing on the doorstep she finds she doesn't know how to react to the man standing in front of her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: Thanks for your patience! Apologies this took so long to post, work and life got in the way for a few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly here now. This is a little shorter than I'd like but I need to work out where to take the next few chapters so this sets it up a bit. **

**Thank you all for your reviews; they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :-) so keep them coming. **

When Sahira opens the door it takes a huge effort not to react to the man standing in the doorway. Later on when she thinks back to this moment she'll wonder if this is when things began to change for them.

It's been raining for several hours now and standing on her doorstep is a soaked-to-the-skin Henrik Hanssen with a bottle of wine in his hand.

"I have had an awful day; I do hope I'm not too late for dinner?" He says apologetically offering the wine bottle. Sahira isn't sure how to react, she wants to laugh. The proud Swede whose appearance is always immaculate is drenched and looks like a drowned rat, she wants to laugh but isn't sure that his ego will allow it without some barbed retort. She's snapped out of her thoughts when Hanssen wetly says "I shall assume I am indeed too late for dinner. May I at least come in for a couple of minutes?"

"I'm so sorry, of course, you must be soaked, are you cold?" Sahira steps aside and although Hanssen is careful, puddles soon form around him. Sahira begins to fuss about him, making him follow her to the bathroom. She hands him a towel and tells him to have a hot shower to get himself warm while she rescues their dinner.

She leaves a pile of clothes outside the door for Hanssen to change into as she takes the wet clothes he has left for her to get dry.

About fifteen minutes later Hanssen comes back downstairs. The clothes don't quite fit him and Sahira feels the need to explain "Sorry about the clothes, I know they don't quite fit but they're dry at least. They're Rafi's old clothes which he didn't take with him." She's aware she's babbling but can't quite help it, the realisation has hit her that the Director of Surgery, Mr. Hanssen is in her kitchen. With her. Alone. No hospital emergencies to distract them. Now she's nervous.

"That's quite alright Sahira, I am most grateful." Hanssen's comment and small smile break the tension between them and the conversation begins to flow again. The Director of Surgery is more relaxed than Sahira has seen him in a long time. Henrik, she thinks, she should think of him as Henrik.

When the meal is completed, they finish off his wine and move to the sofa. The TV is still on quietly but neither of them pay it much attention. Languidly Hanssen rests his arm along the back of the sofa and sips at his glass of wine.

Later on neither of them will remember who suggested a film. It's definitely not a man's film and so Hanssen will claim it was Sahira's suggestion as it was most certainly her selection, she will smile mischievously and deny all responsibility, laying the blame at his intensely guarded feminine side. However, Hanssen finds he doesn't particularly mind this inane rubbish as long as he can spend relaxed time with his best friend.

Within an hour Hanssen's eyes are drooping and Sahira has already fallen asleep and turned herself towards his warmth and is snuggled up to his right hand side. He traces her right arm with the fingertips of his hand and she shivers and unconsciously snuggles closer.

He sleepily thinks that he could definitely get used to this and although he knows he wouldn't have been ready and neither would she, part of him curses himself for not pursuing her earlier. He is just succumbing to the pull of sleep when he jerks awake and wakes Sahira at the same moment when he hears a loud exclamation.

"What the fuck?"

Hanssen and Sahira spring apart almost guiltily and look up at an angry Rafi standing in the doorway.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: Thank you all so much for staying with this, hope you're enjoying this as much as I am and thank you for the lovely reviews, they make my day.**

**Decided to try something mostly from Rafi's POV so I hope it doesn't disappoint. I never really clicked with Rafi as a character (hence it being all too easy to make him the bad guy) so I hope he doesn't seem too OOC. Other than that: enjoy!**

**In terms of a disclaimer: still don't own anything HC related, I'm just playing with the characters, I'll put them back when I've finished with them. **

It's absolutely tipping it down and he's having trouble seeing the road in front of him, the windscreen wipers are moving as quickly as they can. It's been one of those days and he can't wait for it to be over. He finds the road he wants and turns down, not bothering to indicate, no-one else is stupid enough to be outside, let alone driving in this weather.

He curses when he can't find a space outside the house so travels to the end of the road before turning back round and finding something closer. He'll be drenched by the time he gets to the front door. There's not much he can do about that. He's sure Sahira will get over it, it's only water after all.

He steels himself for a soaking, opens the door, slams and locks the car before sprinting over the road to the front door. He doesn't really take notice of the second car parked outside the house, it's too wet, he's not hanging around. He unlocks the door and steps into the front room, shutting the door quietly behind him mindful that Indy is likely to be asleep at this time of evening. He smiles at the thought of his son.

"What the fuck?"

Rafi's mind goes blank as he takes in the scene in front of him. All pleasant feelings vanish, replaced by anger. A very cosy set up for the pair of them. Hanssen has got his bloody clothes on and Sahira asleep practically on top of him when he walked in. He stands there for almost thirty seconds not quite believing his eyes although he knew he was right all along about them.

He doesn't realise at first that he said anything out loud until it wakes Hanssen up and he wakes Sahira and they both look at him guiltily. He notes with a small measure of satisfaction that they spring apart as soon as they seen him. Damn right. 'What the fuck are they playing at?'

"Good evening, Mr. Raza." He hasn't said anything else and Hanssen begins to stand, watching him. The two men stand and face each other over the sofa. Rafi is pleased to recognise a certain wariness in the other man's eyes. It appears he hasn't forgotten their last meeting. A shame that the moron, Douglas had interrupted him at the hospital.

Rafi and Hanssen had never bothered to get to know each other at any point in the nearly ten years they have reluctantly known each other, instead preferring a cool tolerance of the other. Rafi has watched Hanssen enough to believe he has him figured out. He knew long before anyone else did that Hanssen was in love with Sahira, it pleased him to no end to steal her away from his attention. Sahira's pregnancy was an unfortunate consequence. He figures however, that Hanssen is unsure of what to expect with him. He imagines that Sahira was only too happy to paint Rafi as the guilty party in their marriage.

"I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from my wife?" Rafi hisses, he smirks when he notices Hanssen's eyes widen slightly and his gaze dart to Sahira. So, he hasn't told her, wanting to protect her no doubt, how noble. This should be interesting. He presses his advantage, relishing the opportunity of having caught the mighty Henrik Hanssen unawares. "Did I not make myself clear?"

"When did you tell him? What did you say?" Sahira has found her voice and although it annoys him that she can't seem to say his name or even look at him when she's speaking, he knows he has the advantage and when Sahira gets no response from him, she turns towards Hanssen. "Henrik, what's going on?"

"Haven't you told her, Henrik?" Rafi sneers the name. "Doesn't she deserve to know?"

"Not now, Sahira." Hanssen instructs Sahira but he knows that the Swede has chosen the wrong approach to take with his wife and he is going to enjoy this.

"Henrik Hanssen, what is going on?" One glance at Sahira's expression by Hanssen makes him realise he can't not answer. He had hoped not to tell her about the incident in the car park between the two men in the room.

"If I recall correctly, Mr. Raza, you signed and delivered, in a fashion, the divorce papers yourself during Ms. Shah's performance review. As such, Ms. Shah is no longer..." Hanssen's diversion tactic is cut short by Rafi's temper.

"Do not call her that." He snaps, that is one tactic of the Swede's which has always annoyed him, Sahira is HIS wife, has taken HIS name. He takes a breath to calm himself before launching his own offensive. "Actually, there appears to have been a change in plans." Oh, he certainly has their attention now. He pauses for a few moments, surveying the room, delaying tactics that he knows are working with Sahira all too well and he waits for her to break the silence. "Rafi..."

"It appears that there were certain inconsistencies in your application, Sahira. As a result, the whole process of our divorce has had to have been halted. In light of this little _situation_" he emphasises the word, gesturing to the two of them and the sofa "I would imagine that I would be well within my rights to counter-petition on the grounds of adultery."

He holds a hand up to cut off their protests. "Listen. Funnily enough, I would take no joy in hearing the details of your affair. I want this marriage over as much as you, Sahira. There's always been three of us in it and it's getting too crowded."

"I am willing to instruct the solicitor to make the appropriate corrections so that our divorce may proceed. There is however, one mistake I cannot overlook and that is why I'm here tonight." Rafi looks to each of them in turn, Sahira's got all her emotions on her face and it annoys him, she's always been so bloody emotional.

"I don't know what you mean, Rafi. There were no mistakes in that application, what are you referring to?" Sahira seems to have found her voice suddenly and her feet. She moves around the sofa to confront Rafi.

"You made quite a big mistake." Rafi tilts his head and waits for the penny to drop. In the end he provides a clue "Indy?" Still nothing. He has momentary concerns for his wife's patients, if she is meant to be making life or death decisions on their behalf and she can't even work out this.

"I want sole custody of Indy."


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's note:** The attempts I made to continue on the scene in Sahira's living room just didn't work or sound very good so I've gone for this approach. You'll find out what happened on Friday night (just as soon as I work it out and write it!). Hope you're all well and thanks for reading. Usual disclaimers, yadda, yadda, yadda.

"Trouble in paradise?" Jac asks with a sneer at Sahira when she hears her cursing under her breath at the computer monitor. Sahira doesn't answer although she heard the other doctor. She's too busy looking at the computer screen, more specifically her email inbox.

There's one email in particular which is bothering her. It's from the Director of Surgery and he's just cancelled their operation tomorrow, pushing it back by 24 hours and partnering her with someone else. She doesn't even look to see who she will be working with now. This is typical Hanssen behaviour. Just when she thought she was making progress with him, Rafi appears and now they're back at square one.

After Rafi's interruption to their Friday night, Hanssen has steadily pulled away from her, physically as well as emotionally. He's beginning to work later as well, she knows his workload is heavy at the best of times but he's never been like this before. She corrects herself, he's never avoided her before, in the past when he's been in danger of drowning in his workload he's welcomed her presence and the distraction, not this time it seems, he made that quite clear to her. She had confronted him in his office and he'd flat out denied that there was anything wrong with him and cited the 'continued demands on my time as a direct result of my role as Director of Surgery. Ms. Shah, I have a hospital to manage, I do not have the time to babysit you as well'. His comment dismissing her still stings and she left the room without another word and without waiting to hear if he would apologise, finished her shift, went home and went to bed.

He only seems to make it onto the wards for inspections rather than ghosting around as was his wont before. He has only operated once with her and that was a tense affair, thankfully a routine operation so they weren't required to interact excessively. Since then, they haven't spoken to one another, she wryly thinks it's a good thing that their patient was in no fit state to witness. The gap between them grows wider and more pronounced every day this continues. Perhaps Jac is right and that thought annoys her more than it should.

"I don't know" she sighs finally. "Henrik is being so distant." Jac snorts but Sahira cuts off her reply "I know, I know he's not exactly not distant at the best of times but this is different."

Jac stands up and prepares to leave for the day and as she goes to leave she has to bite her tongue and leave her parting comment in her head which annoys her because it was good and she was pleased with coming up with it so quickly. She stays silent as she sees the man in question standing at the door, God knows how long he's been stood there listening and as good as her comment is, she doesn't want him to hear it. She walks out of the room and channels her annoyance into a look at Hanssen who's polite "Ms. Naylor" attracts Sahira's attention.

As Jac leaves the room she hears "Ah, Ms. Shah, may I have a word?" and even she winces at the formality in the Swede's tone before the door shuts behind him. She hopes they work out whatever issues they have because she does not want to have to deal with the fallout of an emotionally distraught Sahira, she's bad enough as she is normally without having to introduce the giant depressing Swede.

She remembers when Connie told her what she'd called Hanssen during an argument once and at the time she'd laughed, really laughed. Ever since then she's been unable to avoid smirking in his presence and she imagines that he knows why, he hasn't called her on it though. She strides across the ward towards the exit, still smiling and as Dr. Valentine bounds up to her she loses the smile, groans and asks "Ugh, what have you screwed up now?"

Still at the desk in the office, Sahira hasn't turned round to face her visitor. She's stopped working and instead is just staring at the monitor as soon as she heard his voice. She admits she wasn't expecting him to come to her. She doesn't know what to do, she knows that she wants to get up, run over to him, hold and be held by him but he's upset her in the past week. She can't look at him in case she crumbles, she's determined not to break first.

"Mr. Hanssen." She greets politely, if a little coldly. "I regret to inform you due to unforeseen demands it is become necessary that this 'word' be rescheduled by 24 hours. In order to provide the most effective service, any further communication on the matter should be directed to Mr. Hope. So perhaps you should speak to him, Henrik. It appears you have little to say to me."

He doesn't say anything at first and privately admits that she's got some nerve to parrot his own email back at him. A taste of his own medicine perhaps, he's loved that about her since he has known her and long before he let himself accept that he'd fallen in love with her. He is relieved that she is at least acknowledging him and speaking to him, he suspects it's more than he deserves.

"I guess I deserve that. Ms., Sahira" he corrects himself. "Sahira, I..."

"Explain why you have hidden yourself away from me in the past week?" She's being unusually direct and Hanssen finds himself in the unusual position of being on the receiving end of this behaviour. He stands just inside the room and watches her turn around to face him and he's concerned to see tears forming in her eyes. He's never known how to deal with emotional women and Sahira is no different. He fervently hopes she doesn't expect him to do anything now, he doesn't have a clue, he'll only get it wrong.

"I am facing a battle with my husband, ex-husband, whatever he is to retain custody of my son and my best friend has left me. I don't know what we are to each other at the moment but if I had have known that this" she gestures between them in a way which reminds him of Rafi "would have affected our friendship, I'd never have agreed. Especially not if I'd have known he had hurt you."

Silence settles once more between them. After a few seconds which seem to drag, Hanssen takes two steps towards her but falters when she doesn't move towards him. He hangs his head and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I'm not having this conversation here where anyone, especially Ms. Naylor may walk in." He makes his distaste known about the behaviour of the other doctor.

"May we relocate to my own office?" Although he phrases it politely and as a question, Sahira knows that she has very little say in the matter. She wants to regain some control though, transferring the location to his domain, his office is a favourite tactic of his although she suspects he doesn't wish to intimidate her, when he's faced with an uncomfortable situation, old habits die hard.

"We may, Mr. Hanssen, however, may I take a few more minutes to complete this report..." She lets the sentence finish itself in his mind, he's well aware of the ease at which she is distracted at the cost of her paperwork. He acknowledges her play with a nod and a small smile. "Fifteen minutes, Ms. Shah" and disappears out of the room.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: Is it just me who does this time thing? I figured that this was something that Elliott could be like and he'd be probably one of the only people Hanssen would allow to comment. Right, on with the show.**

Hanssen sits at his desk watching his clock, he doesn't feel the need to check against anything else. All of Hanssen's time-keeping instruments, his clock, his watch, his computer, his phone are all synchronised and tell the same time at work and at home. He feels a stab of frustration at some of the others on the senior team, namely Mr. Hope whose appliances all tell a different time, some quite different.

He mentioned this to him once and suggested correcting them to which the older man gave him a bemused look and asked how he was supposed to know what time it was if he did that and went on to explain how he knew that his pager was four minutes faster than his computer, which was six minutes ahead of his phone and how the clock on the wall was seven minutes slower than his watch. Utterly confused, Hanssen had let the subject drop and forgotten all about it until this morning when Hanssen had casually remarked on his surprise at Elliott's punctuality for their meeting.

The consultant had smiled knowingly and it had suddenly made sense in a totally illogical way. Of course Elliott knew what time it was, he used a different appliance depending on who he was dealing with, as his patients come first, his pager time would always be ahead of schedule. Hanssen was oddly proud of the fact that he had been promoted to 'on time'.

Hanssen's acknowledgement was dismissed by the other man. "It may not last Henrik. Besides, isn't it time you spoke to Ms. Shah?" Hanssen knew that Elliott had a soft spot for Sahira and so let the comment slide. However, after their meeting had concluded, the Swede had decided that it was indeed time to address the issues between himself and Ms. Shah and he set off in search of her.

'It's not a professional meeting' he tells himself finding himself sat back in his office waiting for Sahira. He decides to move away from the desk, as necessary as that barrier sometimes is, especially when Ms. Shah is involved he's almost certain it's the wrong approach for the talk between the two of them. Sahira was right when she said she didn't know what they were to each other and he doesn't know either. They need to sort themselves out.

He moves towards the window and stares out of it over the hospital. He can just about see his car from here in the dull glow of the orange lights and he can still recall Rafi's sudden appearance out of the dark that night. He'd never admit it to anyone but that did shake him up and it still affects him some evenings. He's been working later recently, partly to avoid Sahira and partly because he is avoiding Sahira he feels the urge to punish himself by making himself vulnerable when he leaves by himself at that time of night. If Rafi was to attack him again, he feels he'd deserve it.

He sighs to himself. His mind returning to Friday night. Rafi's voice forming his demand, as a taunt: 'I want sole custody of Indy'. He knows they have a fight on their hands. If Rafi is serious about custody of Indy, Sahira will fight him as long as she needs to. He'll fight Rafi too, for what that's worth.

Hanssen is concerned that Sahira will find it weird that despite barely knowing the boy (he couldn't ever bring himself before to interact with the child he believes should have been his but isn't), he wants to treat the boy as his own. He wants Sahira and Indy under his roof and living with him as a family. He wants Indy to have a younger sibling, their family complete.

He admits he has no idea how to be part of a family, let alone a parent. The idea is fanciful at best as Rafi's comment to Hanssen on Friday was so kind to remind him. He's unsure how much damage Rafi has done, Hanssen knows he didn't help matters by leaving when he did.

A hand on his shoulder blade makes him jump and he whirls around, nearly knocking over Sahira. She puts a hand on his chest and it stops him in his tracks. He stares at it, thinking that he should be shouting at her for entering without knocking and nearly scaring him to death.

"I did knock, no answer, penny for your thoughts, Henrik?" She answers his unasked question.

He still doesn't answer or say anything, still staring at her hand. He's amazed that she's here and when she begins to remove her hand from his torso he captures it with one of his own, holding it in place. She can feel the beat of his heart slowing beneath her hand after she startled him a few moments ago and her gaze travels from their hands to his face.

He manoeuvres her hand and kisses it softly. "I've missed you. My own fault, I know. I have demonstrated wonderfully my capacity for being an idiot." Sahira grins at his statement and fires back "Yes, you have."

"Ms. Shah, you aren't meant to agree so readily to my confession." Hanssen attempts to frown but finds his relief at her return to him outweighs his annoyance. He still has her hand in his and he lets go and whilst she's distracted by the unexpected movement he leans forwards and kisses her. It's a soft and sweet kiss with no other parts of their bodies touching and any anger she felt at him begins to melt away.

"Sorry." He smiles shyly at her and pulls her close, resting his head on top of her own.

"Don't be. Henrik, we need to talk. We can't go through this week again." He releases her and she heads towards the sofa at the back of his office refusing the offer of a drink and pulls him along with her.

"Listen, Sahira..." Hanssen begins but Sahira cuts him off. "My questions from earlier still stand: why did you hide yourself away from me this week?" As long as the outcome is the same, Hanssen finds he doesn't mind which order they approach things in.

Sahira's elbow to the ribs reminds him that he's not yet answered her question. "It was Rafi." Sahira's face creases in confusion. "In the car park that night when I was attacked. He'd left me a note with his resignation letter. I won't repeat the contents of that but needless to say I didn't obey him and he saw fit to leave me a somewhat more pronounced reminder of that fact." He registers how Sahira has tensed beside him but he continues and his sudden need to tell her surprises him.

"I still expect him to reappear when it's dark. If I can't defend myself against him then I certainly can't defend you or Indy against him. You need someone capable of loving and protecting you the way you deserve. I don't deserve you and the way I've treated you. I was avoiding you over the past week. I thought that maybe if you spoke to me it would have been to tell me you'd come to your senses and didn't want to see me any more."

"Oh Henrik." She's got tears in her eyes and Sahira moves over the sofa and snuggles into his side, much in the way they were before Rafi interrupted their evening nearly a week before. "Why didn't you say anything? I don't want anyone to protect me, Henrik. I want you and I want you to love me. I know you love me. What was it that made you come and speak to me?" He mumbles to her that it was Elliott that told him to come and find her and she smiles into his side.

"Henrik, let's go home. Let's have an evening that Rafi can't ruin. We had such a nice time until then. Let's move on past him." His nervousness is clear. "Dinner. Just two best friends having dinner."

"Come to mine, he doesn't know where I live." He says without thinking, he cuts off her argument before she can voice it. "Bring Indy. Stay the night, both of you." His heart is racing, what is he doing? What was he thinking? His mind unhelpfully supplies that he wasn't thinking at all. He's about to open his mouth to tell her to forget what he said, he's being too forward and to apologise when she agrees. He's so surprised that she agreed that she is able to steal a kiss and reach the doorway before he responds and tells her to be ready in twenty minutes.

Jac is cold, grumpy and bored of waiting for Ollie, looking at the hospital with its lights a contrast against the dark, winter sky. Her gaze is drawn to one light still on on the top floors of the hospital where the directors' offices are situated. Hanssen's office. Jac wonders if the man ever goes home.

The man himself appears suddenly, well his silhouette does, looking out of the window. Although she knows he won't be able to see her, she moves a bit more into the shadows anyway. He looks lost, his normally intimidating posture is gone and his shoulders are slumped, he looks strangely human. A noise catches her attention and she searches for the source, cursing when she realises it's only a fox. Ever since Hanssen was attacked the staff have been a little nervous.

Jac turns her gaze back towards the window on the top floor and sees a second silhouette. Considering how close they're standing, it must be Sahira. She watches in amazement as the taller shadow leans down to kiss the shorter one. She smirks, well, the ice giant definitely has a heart or rather Princess Shiny Hair has it. Although she comments all the time to Sahira, she had no idea they were together. She sees Ollie approaching out of the corner of her eye and decides to keep their secret. A little bit of knowledge on her side wouldn't go amiss.

"About time, Valentine, I'm freezing out here."


	19. Chapter 19

"A flat tyre, Sahira?" Hanssen is standing in the hallway, holding her bags as Sahira holds a sleeping Indy in her arms with an amused expression on his face. She's surprised that he waited this long to tease her about her excuse.

"Don't start, Henrik. It was the best I could come up with to explain why you are taking me home even though I have a perfectly working car in the hospital car park." She shifts Indy in her arms, adjusting her grip on the small boy.

"Besides, we don't all have ready-made lies for our parents. Don't you ever find that your mum just knows when you're lying to her?" Hanssen is glad that Sahira misses the expression that must have shone on his face at her mention of his mother. He leaves the question unanswered and instead shows Sahira the way to the spare room where he places her bags. He stays for a moment to watch her tuck her son into the bed and leaves the room, a lump in his throat.

Perhaps it's just a mother thing but that is exactly what his mother did to him every night until she became too ill to do so anymore. And his father, well, he never showed any inclination for that kind of interaction with him after his mother's death. He finds himself in the kitchen, already half-way through the process for making tea for them both without realising it, lost in thought.

Sahira finds him in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches to two cups of tea. She stands in the doorway and just watches the tall man move with precision, not wasting any movement. She knows that he almost certainly is aware of her presence, she has never been able to walk down stairs quieter than the 'herd of elephants' her mother often referred to.

After a minute or so of contemplation by both of them, Hanssen decides that attack is the best form of defence and he doesn't want her to ask him about his silence. He reckons she has had enough time and turns around and with a smirk asks if she's done staring at him. He loves the way she blushes but doesn't break eye contact with him and defiantly responds, knowing full well that Hanssen will almost certainly best her in any verbal contest. "Am I not allowed to appreciate and ogle my..." her voice drifts off as she struggles to find the right word to describe him. "Well, you." she finishes lamely.

It's a conversation that Hanssen knows they need to have to move on but he finds himself approaching it as if they don't have this talk, she can't reject him and he does honestly expect her to come to her senses soon and realise that he cannot possibly offer her what she needs or deserves. He wonders for a moment whether he is just convenient for her, a way to justify leaving Rafi. He admonishes himself, it's unfair and she'd be upset if she knew what he was thinking.

Sahira has noticed his introspective silence and allows him to work through his own thoughts, she wonders what he thinks of and whether she is ever the focus of his mind. Henrik's mind returns to his present situation and he notices Sahira watching him and he feels uncomfortable with her scrutiny. There are topics they need to discuss and there is no time like the present, so he's told. He offers her a mug of tea.

"Sahira, we need to talk, do you wish to sit in here at the table or would you prefer the sofa?" Gone is the intimidating and in control Director of Surgery, replaced by a man. A man with an expression that Sahira can't quite identify before it's gone, replaced by a blank expression. She's almost certain that she is responsible for that brief look and doesn't know whether it's a good thing or not.

When they're settled on the sofa with a mug of tea each, Hanssen begins. "What Rafi said on Friday – about Indy – is he serious or just causing trouble?" He continues talking, working his way to the questions which have been plaguing him since his former anaesthetist threw them at him.

"In my experience, I believe that your son would benefit more from living with his mother rather than with his father." He stops suddenly, realising that he has absent-mindedly revealed more than he intended to. Sahira doesn't respond to his statement; she's still staring into the middle distance, seeing nothing but he's aware that her mind is racing.

"In your experience?" Her question, after a minute or so of silence on her part and relaxed observation on his startles him and he snaps his eyes up to meet her amused gaze. He knows that he's been caught staring and he blushes and looks away. She thinks he's adorable when he does something as normal as this and when she coaxes a small smile out of him, she falls for him all over again.

She's not interested in the mumbled apology she receives and waves it away, telling him to 'stop stalling, Henrik' and to answer her question. He holds out his arms to her and surprised by his gesture, she watches him, trying to read his expression to get an idea of what he's thinking or, a voice adds wryly, what he's plotting. He quirks an eyebrow and she moves into his embrace, grateful for his presence.

"Ms. Shah, you remain one of the most promising individuals I have ever met, one woman who exceeds all expectation in all that she undertakes." His short pause makes her turn her head up to look at him and he tilts his head so that their faces are inches apart. "Motherhood appears to be no exception. Whilst I still believe it is getting in the way of fulfilling your true medical potential, one cannot argue that the potential remains."

"What are you trying to say, Henrik?" Her eyes darting between his unblinking gaze and his mouth, wanting to hear what he has to say and wanting to kiss him.

"That you're a better mother than Rafi could ever be father." As his finishes his sentence he finally closes the distance between them and kisses her softly, content just to be with her and able to kiss her, relieved that she responds to his kiss and doesn't appear to be humouring or pitying him. Quite the opposite, she leans backwards on the sofa and tugs on his shirt so that he follows her and moves himself until he's on top of her, he's thrilled and terrified in equal measure.

"As lovely as that was and it was lovely" She breaks away from their kiss and holds his face in her hands, keeping him facing her. "You didn't actually answer my question." He tenses, closes his eyes and moves off her, standing up and walking to the window for a minute. He then exhales loudly and stalks over towards the bookcase, picking up the photo frame which she knows contains the photograph of his mother. He returns to the sofa, close but without touching her and hands her the photo frame.

"When I was nine, my mother died of ovarian cancer," He begins, not looking at her but Sahira knows better than to distract him, to remind him that someone is there, listening. Besides, it'll probably be a bit easier for them both if they're not looking at one another.

"The picture you're holding was taken a few months before she died; before she began to deteriorate and was no longer capable of being Mama. I watched her die a little more each day until one day I was not permitted in her bedroom – she'd come home from the hospital at that point. She died later that evening, I was not afforded the opportunity to say goodbye to her."

"After she died, I initially saw very little of my father, even at her funeral. I stood with my grandparents and stayed with them for a while afterwards, my father was unable or unwilling to look after himself let alone a young boy. When I returned home, I found that, in my absence he had reached the conclusion that I was to blame for her death." He holds his hand up, aware that Sahira is likely to react to that and he doesn't want to hear her voice, not yet. "I know that it is a ridiculous conclusion at best but if one is told something often enough and if the method of reinforcing the message is applied enthusiastically enough, and it was, it becomes hard to disbelieve." Hanssen bows his head and becomes very still.

"What happened, Henrik?" Sahira whispers.

"The details are not necessary to this conversation and I don't believe I could voice what he actually did, I am not ready to do so. All you need to know is that it was a relief when, aged 11 I was sent to England and I did not have to return until the summer holidays each year, as awful as they became. I was sixteen when I read in the newspaper that my father had died, quite suddenly. I had an exam that day, I remember being more concerned that I was not allowed to resit the exam rather than his death."

"What you told me about Rafi and the way he treated you reminded me somewhat of my own situation. Whilst I do not believe Rafi capable of the acts that my father was regardless I do not wish to see your son placed in his care. I, well, if you'll allow me, I will support you and your contest with Rafi however I can." Hanssen finally chances a glance in Sahira direction and wishes he hadn't.

She's looking at him with tears streaked down her face and when their eyes meet she reaches out a hand towards him and he breaks their eye contact to stare at it suspiciously. She falters when she sees his reaction and her hand pauses about six inches from his arm, her internal debate whether to continue the movement or retreat is rendered unnecessary when Hanssen stands up, picks up the two cups they'd had their tea in and heads towards the kitchen to wash up.

Sahira follows him into the kitchen after replacing the photograph back on the shelf and stands about five foot behind him. He has his back to her, washing up the two mugs more vigorously than he needs to, the only outward sign of his distress. "Henrik..." he cuts her off. "I have not asked for, nor do I require your pity. I have functioned well enough in the last thirty years without it. It's late, you must be tired. Goodnight Sahira." He dismisses her and continues to scrub the mugs.

She waits a beat before sadly retreating back out of the door and up the stairs to Indy without saying a word, waiting for Hanssen to call her back but he doesn't say anything. Hanssen's actions slow as he hears her head upstairs and he lowers his head and raises a soapy hand to pinch his nose to stop the tears.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** A short chapter but a bit of fluff just to keep things ticking over :-)

Hanssen listens as he dries the mugs up and waits until he hears Sahira shut the door to his bathroom before he moves from the kitchen. He heads back towards the living room. With a rather uncharacteristic gracelessness he flops down on one of the sofas and places his head in his hands. He does not know what to do; what he said to Sahira was utterly right – he's never wanted anyone's pity but he knows that he should not have said anything like that to her.

He groans to himself when he recalls the expression on her face as he dismissed her, he could see her reflection in the window. Should he apologise now or let it wait until the morning? He isn't sure if she would even accept his apology or would she wave it off and be all understanding? Would she look at him with pity, poor Henrik, the victim. He tempers the anger that surfaces at that thought, 'speculation with no evidence leads to faulty conclusions' he tells himself.

Although Hanssen doesn't know how to proceed, he isn't used to being anything other than proactive and he decides to get himself prepared for bed, check in on Sahira and her son and if she's still awake he'll take it from there depending on her response to him.

Decision made, he feels better with a plan as he checks the doors and windows, turns off the lights and heads upstairs. His nervousness returns however as he finishes his preparations and pads over to his spare room and discovers the door has been left ajar – he takes it as a good sign. After a few beats of standing there he gently opens the bedroom door and with the aid of the bedside lamp which is still on he surveys the room.

Sahira turns at the movement in the corner of her eye and she looks up from where she had been stroking Indy's head and looks up at the tall Swede with sad eyes but doesn't say anything to him. Swallowing, Henrik makes his way over to the bed and awkwardly perches on the side nearest the door with Sahira in the middle of the bed and Indy curled up, oblivious on the far side.

"I didn't mean what I said; I'm sorry, Sahira." He sighs when he gets no verbal response. "I'm not very good at any of this. You deserve..." He doesn't finish the sentence, knowing that if she doesn't answer, they won't be going on any further, he's not ready for that. Although Sahira hasn't said a word, she reaches out a hand and lays it over the top of Hanssen's larger hand and sighs herself.

"I know you meant _what_ you said, Henrik. You probably didn't mean it _how_ you said it." She clarifies quickly before he can protest. "I don't and won't ever pity you. Let's not worry about that now, let's go to bed and forget all about it."

"Sahira, I don't know..." He remains still and unmoving and resists her initial attempt to pull him closer to her, unsure what she wants from him.

"I don't think we're ready for that." She teases him gently. "And certainly not with my son here. Will you stay with us tonight though?" He nods, he can't resist her or anything that she asks of him. He stands briefly as she folds back the covers before he climbs into the bed with her.

He holds his breath as she reaches across him to turn off the light finding her current position almost on top of him most... distracting. He is relieved when she succeeds and the room is plunged into darkness and she returns to her previous position, on her side, away from him and facing her son.

He finds doesn't mind that she's not facing him, in fact it might be a bit overwhelming otherwise he decides. Plucking up some courage, he turns onto his side and mimics her position, keeping a couple of inches between them so she can feel his presence but not be pressured by it. He's stunned when she wiggles backwards, closing the gap between them and he tenses at the contact but begins to relax after a few seconds.

No-one has ever slept with him before so he isn't sure whether it would be welcome but in the end he decides to risk placing his hand on her hip. In the dark he doesn't see her smile as she drifts off to sleep, happier than she's been in months.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note:** Fluff over. These poor little characters have had their respite. I must be feeling a bit sadistic because this is about to get a bit darker before it gets lighter. I'm just toying with how dark. Hope you're still all enjoying this and thank you for making it this far. This was never meant to be this long and it seems to have taken on a life of its own and I'm nowhere near done yet.

I found this chapter quite hard to write and I struggled to keep them in character so apologies if they seem OOC.

Sahira makes her way out of the hospital after her shift, pulling her coat tighter against her as a result of the cold temperature. The mid-December weather, although dry, is less than pleasant. As she makes her way across the entrance, towards the senior staff car park she is thankful for what lighting there is yet aware that it isn't quite enough. She rummages in her bag for her car keys, cursing lightly, unable to find them with the inadequate lighting.

Suddenly she's swept off her feet by a pair of arms and dragged in between two cars and down onto the floor with a jolt which makes her drop her bag. The whole event takes place before Sahira registers what has happened. She lies on the floor with a dark shape kneeling to her side, over her; when her brain catches up she decides to shout. "Henrik!".

Evidently not. The name earns her a growl and a punch to the stomach. She was unprepared for the hit and loses her breath and can't get any air into her lungs. However, she recognises that voice and she can feel the adrenaline flood her system as Sahira realises the implications and she begins to fight to get away from her ex husband. She knows what is likely to happen if she stays here with him.

She gets a good scratch in aimed at Rafi's face and he shouts and releases his grasp on her momentarily which is all the time that she needs. She isn't thinking, reacting on instinct and she runs. She tries to run. She doesn't get further than two or three steps before his arms are wrapped around her from behind again, pulling her back in between the cars. She can't break free from them this time.

Sahira tries to shout, to get someone's attention to come and help her but there's nobody outside this evening, it's too cold, even the smokers aren't outside. She can hear her name being whispered in her ear and she struggles even more. The man overpowers her and as she falls to the floor he uses his body to cover her and stop her from moving.

She looks up at her attacker and suddenly finds herself staring into the worried face of Henrik Hanssen. The adrenaline is still coursing through her system so she doesn't make the connection at first but eventually her body returns to normal, if Henrik is here she'll be safe from Rafi. It's still dark and when she looks around expecting to see the carpark she's relieved and embarrassed to find that they're not at the hospital at all. It's Hanssen's spare room and he's got her pinned to the bed to stop her thrashing around and hurting herself and/or Indy.

As soon as Sahira realises that is it Henrik who has her, rather than Rafi, the fight leaves her and she collapses back onto the bed, still breathing heavily. Embarrassed by her dream she avoids looking at Hanssen who is still on top of her, holding her still. Her gaze falls on the sleeping bundle at the far edge of the bed to her left. Sahira is amazed and thankful that he's slept through the whole event.

"Don't worry, he sleeps like his mother" comes the amused comment from above her. She reluctantly looks back at Hanssen but finds herself still unable to hold his tired gaze and avoids his eyes, instead she catches sight of scratches on his face and Sahira realises that she must have scratched him in an attempt to get away from her 'attacker'.

"Oh my God, I hurt you!" The soft smile he was wearing fades and he waves away her concern and seeks to distract her with a kiss. Instead, rather than the stinging scratches on his face, they'll heal, Hanssen finds himself more concerned about Sahira and this nightmare. He hopes that this nightmare is a one-off but he suspects it's wishful thinking, after all he's never had just one night of nightmares. He has found that his nightmares last seven to ten nights and that is one of the reasons he barely slept tonight. He is in the middle of a cycle and he didn't want to explain himself when he woke up screaming. He'll be tired at work later today but he did at least get to watch Sahira sleep for several hours so he considers it even.

He feels torn, he wants to be able to sleep with Sahira in his bed every night but he knows that if that happens, she'll experience the aftermath of his nightmares and he doesn't want to talk about them. Doesn't ever want to voice what happens when he shuts his eyes. About why he hasn't slept through a night since he was nine or ten.

Sahira tenses at his clinical inspection of her and tries to move away from him but realises she can't as he has her pinned to the bed with the duvet between them. Even though she knows Henrik won't hurt her, she doesn't like this feeling of being restrained, being trapped and she tells him so.

"It's nothing, I'm fine Henrik. Look, I'm not one of your patients! Can you. Just get off me?" Recoiling as if slapped, Hanssen moves off the bed and without a glance at Sahira strides out of the room. Sahira can hear him moving down the stairs which surprises her, she expected to hear the bathroom door or his bedroom door shut. She could kick herself for what she just said to him but she settles for throwing her head back down onto the pillow beneath her and cursing under her breath, conscious that her son is next to her. She blinks away a fresh wave of tears and pulls away the duvet, determined to follow him to speak to him. They can't let this fester.

Hanssen is standing in his kitchen in the dark, watching the outside sky through the window. He estimates there is still ninety minutes before sunrise. He leans against the cabinet, looming over the sink with his hands on the surface edge either side of him. He hears Sahira walk down the stairs and into the kitchen, quieter than she usually manages to do so. She pads up behind him and tucks her arms around his waist and lays her head against his spine.

"I'm sorry, Henrik, I shouldn't have..." She doesn't finish her sentence, not entirely sure what she's apologising for. She sighs and holds him tighter before releasing him and moving over towards the kettle. "We need to talk, Henrik. Do you want some tea?" The tall Swede hasn't moved except to hang his head and Sahira takes his silence as acceptance of tea. She prepares two mugs anyway.

"I feel..." It's Hanssen's turn not to finish his sentence. He feels embarrassed, angry and sad, he doesn't know if he should voice that though. He doesn't know what to do, he's angry at Sahira for pushing him away, angry at Rafi for causing the nightmares but most of all, he's angry at himself that he's finding this all so hard. "Sahira, my actions were and have always been in your best interest. I only wished to demonstrate this, however, it would appear that I have failed quite, quite miserably."

Sahira's heart breaks when she hears his normally smooth voice become gravelly and she can't ignore the sadness in his tone. "Oh Henrik." She breathes. "I'm so sorry, you've done nothing wrong." She steps back towards him and he allows himself to be turned around, facing her. He watches her, unsure what she wants. She hands him a mug of tea and takes the second and moves towards the kitchen table. After a moment, he follows her and takes the seat opposite her.

"It was Rafi." She falters, her gaze is still firmly on the mug in her hands on the table in front of her. Although she doesn't look up, she is aware of Hanssen's movement in her peripheral vision. His reaction to her words doesn't help and she forces her focus back to concentrating on the mug she's holding and tries to ignore his stare. She takes a breath to fortify her before continuing.

"I was in the car park at work, not far from where you were found come to think of it after Rafi..." she frowns as clues begin to fall into place. "Yes, well. Although I didn't know it was Rafi at first..." She continues her description of her dream. Hanssen stays silent during her explanation, closing his eyes on a couple of occasions when the events described hit too close to home. No pun intended he notes wryly.

Sahira is still talking and he returns his focus and gaze to her. "Don't you think, Henrik?" He blinks and returns her stare, it isn't the first time she's caught him daydreaming though he's never let on that he hasn't paid anything less than complete attention to her.

"We need to discuss this." She gestures between them. "We can't avoid this conversation any more. Since, well since bonfire night I don't know where I am with you, what I am to you and I'm sure you feel the same way." Hanssen inclines his head in a reluctant response.

"So what are we now?" Sahira finishes suddenly.

"Am I to presume your question is not rhetorical?" Hanssen's comment is designed to buy himself time to think, his brain has stopped working. This is the conversation he's dreaded. Sahira snorts in response and he continues. "Ok, let's be logical. First of all we were colleagues, correct?"

"And then we became friends." Sahira continues knowing that he has considered her a friend for years despite his protests to the contrary. "And now? Henrik, what is it you want?"

Hanssen gulps and scratches his neck, as uncomfortable as he is with this situation, Sahira will not let him wiggle his way out of it with clever word play and deflection. After a few beats, his expression blanker than she's ever seen it and just before she gives up, he surprises her and himself.

"I want you. I want to go to sleep every night with you, wake up every morning next to you. I want to go to work with you, to come home to you and your son. I want a family, I... but what I want is irrelevant." Without his glasses his expression seems more vulnerable. He closes his eyes, fully expecting to bet let down gently and preparing himself for the inevitable breaking of his heart. His eyes race open when he feels Sahira's lips touch his. He's too stunned to respond and Sahira pulls away just enough to see his face and he feels something flare in his chest. Hope?

"Me too" She whispers. "Although, I think you'll find I want you more." He's sure he must look ridiculous right now but he truly doesn't care. He stands up slowly, contemplating her as he does so before raising a hand to her chin. He allows himself a genuine smile before leaning forward to kiss her. To kiss Sahira, his... girlfriend? They're both too old for that. His partner? Sounds too impersonal. His what? He decides finally on: his. She is his, after 16 years.

"Well, now we've got that settled, it's still early, I'm cold and going to go back to bed." Sahira states lightly, hoping that he'll get the hint.

"As you wish Sahira, I shall clear up here and I will see you later this morning when you decide to get up." Hanssen replies, completely missing Sahira's point. She shakes her head with a small smile, for someone so smart, he isn't half dense at times she thinks. "Leave them, we'll clear them up in the morning. Come back to bed." She can see that he isn't convinced.

"I have my own room, I do not wish to disturb your sleep." Yes, she decides, it's official, the smartest man she knows is stupid.

"Henrik! Stay with me." Her tone softens. "Even if we don't sleep, I want you there, would you hold me?" He knows he'll capitulate, as it isn't a work situation he isn't sure of the boundaries between them yet and he does want to curl up in bed with her. She sees the moment that his mind changes and he acquiesces to her demand but before he can say anything she holds out a hand and leads him back upstairs.

Sahira gets into bed first and holds open the duvet so that he can slide in next to her, she's on her side and facing away from her son and pats the mattress next to her. Feeling a bit awkward suddenly he climbs into bed and she pushes him gently until he's lying on his back. She lifts up his left arm and slides underneath it so that she is curled up to his side. She smiles into his chest when she feels Hanssen begin to relax.

He has his eyes closed but Sahira knows that he isn't asleep but she takes the opportunity to study him anyway. Shivering slightly as he traces his left hand up and down her side, she returns the favour. Raising her hand off his chest where she had been drawing random patterns into his shirt and she runs it down his nose and over his lips which provokes a smile from him which she follows. "You're too thin, Henrik." Before he can deflect her attention away from his body, he isn't in the mood for _this_ discussion, both of their pagers go off, startling them both and waking Indy.

"This can't be good." Groans Sahira as she reaches over the bed, trying to calm her son. Hanssen almost leapt out of bed and is halfway to the door before the boy can see him. He doesn't want to have the boy find out where he had been sleeping, he still feels out-of-place and unsure of himself and Sahira despite their chat earlier.

"Five minutes, Ms. Shah" states Hanssen who has transformed back into the Director of Surgery once more rather than the awkward and nervous man Sahira has seen all evening, she still feels a flutter when he speaks to her that way and tries to dispel the thought, she hasn't got time. She is undressing before he leaves the room and tries to get changed as quickly as possible but still look presentable, it might be silly o'clock but she's sure Jac will find something to comment on. Ten minutes later, they're all in Hanssen's car and on their way back to work, wondering what on earth has happened to drag them out of bed at this hour.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note:** I suddenly realised that I'd left Indy in limbo (prompting a quick re-write); I don't think there is normally one but this is my little universe so I had to magic up a crèche at the hospital! As tempting as it is to ignore Sahira's children (I've already reduced them down to one!), he becomes kind of important for the next couple of chapters.

Chapter 22

Sahira collapses onto the bench in the changing room, exhausted. It's been a long shift, even by hospital standards. After their early morning summoning she has barely seen Henrik all day. She smiles when she thinks of their parting this morning at the hospital. They'd pulled up in Hanssen's car and as she was struggling to retrieve Indy from the back seat, he had come around to help and he'd stolen a kiss from her, he'd pulled away slightly, smiled at her expression and whispered 'interesting, so the world didn't end', she couldn't quite manage to be disapproving, not that she was trying particularly hard.

Moving between operating theatres she passed him and Jac Naylor talking and she saw his tired expression brighten a little when he caught sight of her. A very small smile smile makes its way onto his face which she returns, careful not to do anything else lest Jac sees.

She's been on her feet for nearly fifteen hours without a break and with barely enough time to inahle a sandwich at some point several hours ago. There had been a pile-up on the motorway bypassing Holby and they had taken the more urgent cases as they were closer whilst St. James' took the rest of the patients. Or something like that, Sahira isn't sure, all she was aware of was having one patient after another until about twenty five minutes ago.

She opens her locker and takes out her phone, intending to call Hanssen but is distracted by a text from Greg asking if she wants a cup of tea. She decides that she does, another twenty minutes at work won't make much difference now so she goes in search of him. She finds the Irishman in the small kitchen area they all share.

"Well, we all earned our money today!" Remarks Greg as he hands her a cup of tea. "So where were you this morning? I tried to call your home number but it rang through to answer-phone." Sahira nearly chokes on her tea but manages to recover.

"I was probably on my way here at some ungodly hour. And if you rang before we got paged then I'd have been fast asleep!" She hopes that Greg will buy that and that he hasn't noticed her slip when she used 'we'. She certainly isn't ready to tell her friend that she was sleeping with the Swedish Director of Surgery and she dreads to think what Henrik's reaction would be if she did tell Greg.

Sahira tries to change the subject away from last night, she doesn't have Henrik's skill at deflection. "I haven't seen much of you recently, I've missed you. What gives?" Greg's eyes light up and she knows something is up. He sits up straight and speaks in his best impression of Hanssen.

"Ah, Mr. Douglas, I believe it would be prudent to assign you to shifts away from the lovely Ms. Shah. This will allow..."

"What! Henrik didn't say that!" Greg doesn't answer her but it's the smile which gives him away and they both start laughing, removing the stress of the long day.

"Seriously though Sahira, I think Hanssen has been adjusting the rotas, keeping us apart so he can have you all to himself" The Irishman says jokingly but with more feeling than Sahira picks up on and she shushes Greg.

"Actually, that reminds me." Sahira says, picking up her phone and starting to type out a message "I need to speak to Henrik." She doesn't see the look that Greg gives her.

"I wouldn't hold your breath" he replies as she presses send and puts her phone down. "Sir Frasier caught up with him earlier and hauled him off for a meeting just as we were heading into Theatre. Made my life easier without him looming over us all but I can't say that Hanssen looked too impressed." Sahira winced, she knew that Sir Frasier had been giving Hanssen a hard time recently. He wouldn't tell her what about though.

"I guess I'll have to speak to him tomorrow then, it's not vital." Sahira sighs, disappointed. She had been looking forward to spending another night with Hanssen "I'm going to go and pick up Indy from downstairs, go home, have a long hot bath and sleep."

"I'll join you." Greg says, jumping up and clearing their mugs away and when he sees Sahira's odd look he clarifies "I'll walk to pick up Indy with you. As much as I'd love to share a hot bath with you, I wouldn't want to make the old Swede jealous." Sahira doesn't answer and walks out of the room and Greg has to run to catch up with her.

Standing in the lift which is mercifully empty apart from the two of them she turns round to Greg. "Please, Greg, it's bad enough having to constantly put up with Jac's comments about us and Henrik, he really doesn't like it" 'and neither do I' she silently adds. Greg nods and the rest of the journey to the childcare unit is completed in a comfortable silence.

Several floors above Sahira and Greg, Hanssen's phone receives a message. He reaches out a hand to pick it up but Sir Frasier is quicker than him. "Now, now, Henrik, we haven't finished. Whatever it is that..." he glances at the screen "... Sahira has to say, it can wait. Sahira, isn't that the mysterious Ms. Shah?" Enquires Sir Frasier with a smug expression. Hanssen nods and tries to act nonchalantly, hoping that she hasn't texted him anything which would make the other man any more suspicious than he already is.

"I'd like to meet this Ms. Shah. I get the impression from you that she must be quite something, Henrik." Hanssen swallows and tries to loosen his collar a little. Truth be told he can't wait for this day to be over. He's fed up with the other man's constant tinkering and interference. A few minutes later and Hanssen's phone starts to ring and judging by the man's expression, Henrik surmises that it's Sahira ringing him.

After a painfully long hour with Sir Frasier fighting for the jobs of everyone at the hospital it seems, Hanssen has almost lost the will to live and the other man seems to recognise this. As soon as the door closes on the other man, Hanssen closes his eyes and leans back in his chair. He can feel a headache developing, he isn't surprised. He often gets them after dealing with the other man. Hanssen grimaces a little, he might as well call it a day, he won't be able to do any more work for the next couple of hours until the headache dissipates.

Eyes still closed he contemplates his options as he massages his temples. He needs a break from the hospital so sleeping on the couch at the end of his office is out. He doesn't particularly want to go home, it's too lonely with Sahira and her son. He wonders if Sahira would mind if he went over to hers, they've both had long days, chances are they'll both be in bed, fast asleep by 9pm. Even if he only stays in her spare room, his house is just too, yes, he'll go to Sahira's. He knows they will have to be apart some nights but if they can be together, why not?

He digs out his mobile phone which Sir Frasier had 'kindly' put into a drawer so it didn't disturb them and sighs. He's had two missed calls and a text message. The message just tells him that she's off home, he doesn't understand why there are two missed calls. He rings her anyway and frowns when it goes to voicemail. He doesn't bother to leave a message and hangs up.

Shrugging he collects his briefcase before locking his office and walking to his car. He is tired and doesn't really pay attention to the drive over and is almost surprised when he realises he's already in Sahira's road. He finds a spot not far from Sahira's house when a police car pulls out and he pulls into the recently vacated space.

As he stands on the doorstep before pressing the bell he glances through the windows and sees Sahira on the sofa with Mr. Douglas who has his arm around her. In a heartbeat, Hanssen is furious and ready to strike out at the other man but he suddenly feels sick when he realises that Rafi did exactly the same thing. The thought sobers him and any anger drains away, he takes a moment to compose himself, goes to knock on the door and notices that it isn't quite shut. He pushes the door and it opens, so he steps inside.

"What's going on? Why is Mr. Douglas here, Sahira?" Both doctors turn round to see a suspicious Mr. Hanssen standing in the doorway.

"Mr. Hanssen." The Irishman rises and glances at Sahira who is struck by deja vu, Hanssen's expression however is blank and that concerns her more than outright anger.

"Henrik!" Hanssen doesn't take his gaze off Greg but Sahira knows she has his attention. She crosses over the room and buries herself in his arms. Startled at the display, especially in front of a colleague, Hanssen is about to query her behaviour when she lifts her face to his and he sees tears. When she explains, his heart almost stops.

"It's Rafi, he's taken Indy."


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's notes:**

Feedback and comments are always welcome, let me know what you all like and don't like. Thanks! On with the show!

Chapter 23

"It's Rafi, he's taken Indy." At the mention of Rafi's name, Hanssen's heart almost stops, then as he processes the sentence, he doesn't quite understand what the issue is, after all he is the boy's father, unless...

"Did he hurt you?" Hanssen asks the top of Sahira's head, she has since buried herself back into his arms. She shakes her head and mumbles something into his chest that he can't hear. She seems to realise this and pulls back to face him.

Hanssen wants to wipe the tears from her face but is concerned that the Irish doctor would read more into the action than he'd be comfortable with. As aloof and disinterested as Hanssen pretends to be, he's aware of nearly all that goes on with his staff through simple observation. He has a very strong suspicion about how Mr. Douglas feels about Sahira, whilst he can't fault the other man's taste, Sahira is his. He'd fight for her... just life Rafi did, the thought makes him nauseous - he needs to focus and Sahira has pulled away from him to speak.

"I wasn't even here, or there. This morning after our 'summons', I didn't have time to take Indy to my Mum's, which is what I'd normally do." Hanssen is momentarily confused, he already knows all of this and opens his mouth to say 'I know' when Greg moves a little and he realises that this explanation is for Greg's benefit. Sahira isn't comfortable either with the thought of Greg knowing about them, yet. He has no illusions that she won't tell him at some point. "I see..."

"Besides, I'm not sure she'd have appreciated the time. So I took him to the hospital crèche, I didn't have time for any other options." She takes a deep breath and Hanssen rubs her back soothingly. He's sure that Mr. Douglas' eyes must be popping out of his head at this tender side of the cold Director of Surgery and he fixes the younger man with a stare who makes an excuse about making some tea.

"I got there this evening to pick up Indy and they told me he'd already been picked up. At first, I thought Mum had done it. One of the girls came over and said it'd been nice to see Rafi, they hadn't seen him in ages. I think I lost it then; she said he'd said he was taking the boy home and as he was my husband they didn't see a problem. Greg and I got here as fast as we could but there was no sign of either of them except for this note." She hands him a piece of paper which he takes from her and reads it twice.

_Sahira,_

_Have taken Indy to give you some time to yourself._

_Rafi _

"We rang the police, they left just before you got here." He thinks back to the police car which pulled away as he approached Sahira's house. He hadn't paid it any attention at the time and he closes his eyes, berating himself for being so careless. "They said that he has 'parental responsibility' because he and I were married when Indy was born. In short, as long as he doesn't take him outside of the UK, it's not abduction, there's nothing they can do."

"They didn't see an issue with the note he left?" She shakes her head in response to Hanssen's question. It was unlikely they would, it had been worded cleverly, open to very different interpretations depending on who was reading it.

Greg picks this moment to return to the living room with a mug of tea in each hand which he hands one to Sahira and puts the second on the table, he questions Hanssen about how he takes his tea and moves towards the kitchen to collect the third mug but Hanssen waves him away and goes to collect the mug himself. When he's in the kitchen he takes out his phone and makes a call.

He returns to the living room a few moments later and overhears the tail end of a conversation between the other two. "I should probably get going, you'll be alright here with him?" Hansen bristles at the inference that she might not be but refrains from commenting on Mr. Douglas' own lack of suitability for the role. "Any chance of a lift to the train station?"

"No need, I'll take you, it's on my way." Hanssen steps back into the room, turns to Sahira and explains "I find myself in need of some things, the station is on my way home. I will return as soon as I can." Sahira nods and mumbles something about getting some food ready and Hanssen realises that he is hungry, he's not eaten today.

"I, err, thank you, Mr. Hanssen." Greg nods politely to his boss, a little cautious that he'll have to spend the next twenty minutes in a confined space with the Swedish Director of Surgery who makes him quite uncomfortable.

"Mr. Douglas, let's get going, please" comes the ever-polite response as Hanssen leaves with him as Sahira watches them go. It's about an hour later when Hanssen returns with his briefcase and a bag she hasn't seen before. At Sahira's questioning glance he flusters a little.

"I brought some spare clothes, I thought maybe you might want me to, well. If you want." She smiles at his apparent discomfort before rescuing him but not without a bit of teasing.

"Have I reduced the unflappable Director of Surgery to being tongue-tied?" She smiles at him and moves towards him and puts her arms around him. Thankful that he's here and she just wants to be held by him. Hanssen puts his arms around Sahira too and it appears he's recovered enough to offer a retort of his own. She thought it unlikely that she would have the last word.

"It would appear that I suffer a similar affliction around Sir Frasier Anderson and yourself. Although for very different reasons, I assure you." Hanssen finishes with a smirk before his expression falters and he looks unsure of himself again. "Sahira, I, this is still very new to me. I apologise if I have overstepped any boundary..." His apology is partly halted by Sahira attempting to squeeze all the air out of his lungs and kissing him until he can't breathe. He doesn't believe her actions designed with his demise in mind but of all the ways to go, he can't think of a better one.

It's getting late and although neither of them can imagine sleeping, they decide to go to bed anyway. Sitting on the sofa all night won't do them or Indy any favours. Hanssen stands and waits whilst Sahira checks the doors and windows and turns off the lights. He follows her up the stairs, walking a little closer to her than he normally would and lets his hand rest on the small of her back. He stops outside the spare room and Sahira notices almost immediately

"Goodnight, Sahira." With a small smile, she shakes her head and reaches out a hand for Hanssen and leads him towards her room muttering just loud enough for him to hear, deliberately he suspects about stupid men.

By the time that Hanssen has picked up his bag from outside the door and followed Sahira into her room she has already begun to undress. As soon as Hanssen realises what Sahira is doing, he freezes and can't quite look away. It is much more personal than the scene with Mrs. Cunningham several months ago. Sahira still teases him about every so often much to his embarrassment. When Sahira turns round she blushes slightly at Hanssen's apparent scrutiny of her.

He stammers an excuse and almost bolts out of the door and to the bathroom, locking himself in. He breathes heavily, trying to calm himself as he leans back against the door. He hopes that Sahira didn't notice but he really wasn't ready.

When he considers himself sufficiently calm, Hanssen begins to get changed himself. He tries to avoid looking in the mirror at the scars he knows will always mark him. He isn't ready for Sahira to see them and the inevitable grilling which he knows will follow. By the time he is done, he heads back towards Sahira's room and is relieved to note that she's already in bed waiting for him.

He finds it's getting easier for him to get into bed with her without worrying about doing something wrong or something which will offend her. Once they're settled, Hanssen asks the question which has been bothering him since Sahira told him what Rafi had done. "Is there any possibility that Rafi would do any harm to Indy?"

Sahira thinks about her answer and after twenty or thirty seconds tells Hanssen confidently that although Rafi wouldn't hesitate to harm either one of them, he wouldn't dream of hurting his son. Reassured by the removal of a fear she wasn't aware she harboured, she falls asleep. Hanssen follows a few minutes later, lulled to sleep by the cadence of her breathing and the warmth of her in his arms.

When the alarm goes off, Hanssen is quick to press a kiss to Sahira's forehead before disappearing to the bathroom to have a shower and prepare himself for work. He fails miserably at trying to ignore the influence that Sahira's proximity is having on him. He rests his head on the wall of the shower, he's not ready for anything like that and he prays that Sahira's patience and in turn, that their relationship will last.

The rest of the week passes in a bit of a blur for Sahira. She throws herself into her work to distract her from the situation with Indy and Rafi. She snaps at Greg more than she should and she knows she'll have to apologise at some point. She barely sees Henrik at work and she's volunteered for some double shifts so they haven't spent any time together in the evenings since the night Rafi took Indy.

Although it bothers Sahira that she isn't seeing Henrik, part of her is thinking that it's the best course of action. She's starting to doubt whether a relationship is the best thing for either of them. It's unfair to put this much emotional strain on him, on them, this early on. She's sitting at the table in the staff area contemplating how to tell Henrik her decision when Greg saunters in and makes himself a cup of tea and joins her.

"How's things?" Greg asks casually but it's more than Henrik has done. She silences the voice that's telling her she's being unfair as she's hidden from him with a retort about how he hasn't sought her out either. Before she realises what she's doing, she's telling Greg how she's feeling and about her and Hanssen. About how she feels so out of control with Rafi and Indy and about how she wants control of something. Even if that means breaking Hanssen's heart.

Greg sighs and pulls Sahira into a tight hug which she returns, glad for the comfort he's offering.

"Ah, Ms... Never mind. Carry on." Both of them jump at the sound of the Director of Surgery's voice and Sahira's heart almost breaks when she sees the momentarily wounded look on his face before the mask reappears and he disappears back out of the room.

"Go after him, Sahira." Greg knows that if she does leave, his chances of being with her leave with her. He tells himself that it's not important, as long as she is happy, he is happy. Though he does promise to maim the Swede if he hurts her.

Sahira races out onto the ward but can't see the tall Swede anywhere. She asks a passing nurse who tells her she saw him in a lift. Sahira hasn't got time for the lifts and heads towards the stairs, heading towards his office. She makes up a floor and glances out of the window as she turns on the stairs and sees Hanssen outside in the carpark. Cursing, Sahira turns around and heads back down the stairs and catches him as he reaches his car.

"Ms. Shah, I'm sorry that I interrupted your most heart-warming moment with Mr. Douglas. However, I must be going. Perhaps you will actually come home tonight. I do expect to see you. I miss... We shall talk then, now, if you'll excuse me please." That said, he gets into his car and pulls away leaving an upset Sahira staring after him.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** Shorter chapter this one but I'm on a roll with writing at the moment so hopefully it won't be too long 'till the next chapter is up. Thanks for making it this far. It's probably time for another disclaimer: not mine, unfortunately.

Chapter 24

"I can't believe what he did. I hate him." Sahira snaps at Greg when she makes it back onto the ward after chasing after Hanssen. The Irishman just smiles sadly, shakes his head and corrects her.

"No, you love him and he is totally devoted to you. How can a guy compete with that?" The irishman shrugs casually but Sahira looks at him for a moment before she realises that Henrik was right all those months ago about Greg. "Look, he told you to go home tonight, right? So do it, cook him dinner, then do whatever it is you two have to do to get back on track. You deserve to be happy and if that's with you-know-who, then what can I say? Except call you on your poor taste in men!"

"I'm sorry Greg." She squeezes his arm, oblivious to the look that Greg gives his arm and her hand, still turning things over in her mind. "Thank you."

The moment is broken when a patient is brought onto the ward at a rush. Greg gets there moments before Sahira and before she can look at the patient's face he calls to get them into theatre. What he can see of the man's face bears a startling resemblance to Rafi, Greg decides that Sahira doesn't need the reminder. The patient had been hit by a car and their ribcage had shattered and some of the bone fragments had lacerated some of the internal organs.

Sahira and Greg work better than they have done together for a while, ever since the situation with Greg's past and Andy. It's more like the old day, they could anticipate the other's movements and decisions.

Greg's talk to Sahira about what to do with Henrik has helped clear her head too, now she has a plan she can put it out of her mind and come back to it later rather than letting it spill over and influence all her actions.

The operation itself is painstaking and the patient crashed twice but they managed to resuscitate him. After two and a half hours, they've done all they can to limit the immediate danger. The patient will require further operations but the strain on them would be too great to attempt all of the work in one sitting. They also need input from the orthopaedics department but they've done the best they can and the patient is as stable as can be expected.

"The A Team strike again." grins Greg as he and Sahira are getting changed back into their clothes after the operation "Partners in crime once more". He puts an arm around her and tells her to get off home, it took longer than expected for the patient but around 8pm as Sahira prepares to leave she realises that it has been several hours since Henrik left the hospital uncharacteristically early for him.

She digs out her mobile and sends him a text to tell him that she's about to leave and she'll be at his house in twenty or twenty five minutes. There's still no response from him by the time she gets into her car and she hopes he's not still sulking. She supposes that she'll soon find out. She pulls onto the A4 and reaches his house quicker than expected. She frowns when she pulls up, there are no lights on, his car isn't parked outside or anywhere near the house.

She takes a deep breath and rests her head on the steering wheel. She angry that he seems to have gone back on his word and she saddened at the thought that they've seemed to have argued their way out of whatever kind of relationship they had. She checks her phone once more, wondering if he'd maybe gone back to the hospital to find her but her phone doesn't display any messages.

After Greg's talk, she wants to talk to Henrik now. Suddenly resolute she wants to fix what's gone wrong, she needs to apologise to Henrik, she's been awful to him this week and didn't realise how much she missed him. She rings his home number and can hear his phone ringing inside and it rings out. She supposes she now has her answer and gets back into her car and heads for her home determined not to cry.

By the time she makes it home, the tears have made her vision a little fuzzy and angrily she wipes them away. It's only when she gets to the door that she notices that the light is on, she could have sworn that she had turned it off when she left for work. Apparently not, she must have been mistaken. She changed the locks on the door after Rafi took Indy, she'd forgotten that he had access to the house, it was too little a bit too late. The only people who had keys now were herself, her mother, he neighbour and... Henrik! How could she have been so stupid! She tries to spot his car on her street but can't make anything out.

Cursing as she fumbles with the key in the lock, she eventually manages to unlock the door and almost trips up in her haste to get inside. She enters and the sight in her living room, in front of her stops her short and a strangled cry escapes her.


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note:** Ok, another short chapter, the next one will be longer, I promise. Still, keeps the tension going. I'll try to post by tomorrow morning but no promises, I have family visiting me so if I don't manage it, it'll be about a week! Enjoy.

Chapter 25

Hanssen's last thoughts as the weight on his chest grows and he slips away from consciousness are of Sahira. He hopes she won't be too upset. He can see her asleep in his bed, her face as he steals a kiss from her and then the scene morphs into her in Mr. Douglas' arms and Hanssen knows that no matter how much he loves her and he does love her, she's better off without him and someone else.

He'd spent the afternoon in his office brooding about her. He had barely managed to get any work done today. He knew she was still distraught about the situation with Indy and truth be told he was concerned too. He'd deliberately kept his distance from her over the past week so she wouldn't see his concern but upon reflection he should have acted differently. He should have shown her his concern, but it's hard to break habits which have kept him safe for years. He shouldn't have let her pull away from him. She'd volunteered for double shifts and had barely gone home.

Fed up of spending nights alone he'd gone to look for her this morning but she'd been in theatre with Ms. Naylor and so Hanssen had stood outside the room for some time watching and missing her in equal measure. His musings were interrupted by Mr. Hope who cast a knowing smile in his direction but didn't refer to the fact that he'd just caught the unemotional Director of Surgery staring at one of his registrars. Hanssen found himself absurdly grateful and the two men move off, talking about Mr. Hope's latest surgery.

He'd gone back to his office via AAU on a surprise inspection and was pleased to note that it was running smoothly and Mr. Levy greeted him and updated him in his usual cheery way. He was pleased at the way AAU was being run and told the other man before making his way towards his office. Henrik can't quite imagine the effort it takes to be as cheerful as Mr. Levy manages, his mask of indifference is hard enough.

Hanssen finds that his wander around the hospital seems to have done the trick and focussed his mind. He is able to put his situation with Ms. Shah out of his mind and manages to do about ninety minutes of work before he is disturbed by his office phone ringing. He glares at the phone but it doesn't stop ringing, he toys with the idea of not answering but after a long-suffering sigh he does and is promptly stunned by what the person on the other end of the line is telling him.

He hangs up in a daze, needing a few minutes to process the news. He needs to leave, Hanssen calls his secretary and cancels the meeting he had this afternoon and makes himself unavailable. He should probably inform Sahira in person however. Decision made he heads towards Darwin and Mr. Valentine points him towards the staff room, nodding his thanks to the younger doctor he can hear her voice as he draws up to the door and his chest flutters.

"Ah, Ms..." He gulps, she, Sahira, his woman is in another man's arms. She turns around and he tries to school his features into indifference but he's almost certain that Sahira sees his wounded look. "...Never mind. Carry on." He's ashamed to admit that he almost ran out of there and makes his way to the car park.

Sahira catches up with him as he reaches his car. He's secretly thrilled that she's come after him but steels himself with the memory of her in Mr. Douglas' arms. He wanted to tell her why he's leaving early but he'll be damned if he does now. She can wait and find out the hard way.

"Ms. Shah, I'm sorry that I interrupted your most heart-warming moment with Mr. Douglas. However, I must be going. Perhaps you will actually come home tonight. I do expect to see you. I miss... We shall talk then, now, if you'll excuse me please." That said, he gets into his car and pulls away knowing that if he looks in the rear view mirror he'll see her and his resolve will crumble.

Hanssen opens his eyes and blinks against the bright light and groans, closing his eyes again. There's a beeping sound which sounds like his phone but he can't be sure, he can't move to try and find it. After a moment it silences and he's thankful, he imagines it is Sahira trying to get hold of him, no-one else would bother. If it was the hospital, they'd page him. He can't move with the weight on his chest and he drifts back towards sleep, shifting on the sofa a little.

An indeterminate time later he's awoken by a strangled shout and he raises his head and when his eyes focus he sees Sahira stood in the doorway with her hands over her mouth in shock. As soon as their eyes meet he smiles genuinely for the first time in days and he knows that all is forgiven. As inexperienced as he is in romantic relationships, he knows that they'll have to discuss the past week to stop it happening again but right now they can just enjoy the moment.

The weight on his chest moves again and breaks the moment when a little voice calls out. "Mama?"


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note: Thanks for the lovely reviews for the last chapter! They make my day so keep them coming! It was perhaps a little cruel to start the previous chapter as I did, so apologies for that. It wasn't designed to be written like that but it just kind of happened! Anyway, a bit of a monster update this one to make up for it. **

**It took a lot of re-writing this, especially later on so I hope it doesn't seem disjointed. It's going to stay dark for a little while but then hopefully things will get easier for these two. Enjoy. **

Chapter 26

Sahira races over to the sofa and picks up Indy off Henrik and covers the small boy in kisses which he tries to return before giving up and giggles, burying himself in her arms. Hanssen has stood and is observing the situation unfolding in front of him with a smile on his face. This scene is what he has dreamt of and exactly the kind of thing he wants from his relationship with Sahira.

"Oh Henrik." Sahira looks up at the tall man in front of her and falls in love with him all over again. She steps towards him as he does likewise. She still has Indy in her arms but that doesn't matter as his arms go around her, sandwiching the small boy in between them who doesn't seem to mind in the slightest if his giggling is anything to go by. Their kiss is soft but with nearly a week's worth of longing and forgiveness behind it. They only break apart when Indy begins to fuss.

They pull apart but Hanssen keeps his arms around Sahira. "Indy has already eaten but I can get us some dinner sorted if you want... while you put him to bed." He adds seeing the boy's yawn. Sahira nods and gives Henrik another quick kiss before moving off upstairs with Indy almost asleep in her arms. Hanssen watches her before moving towards the kitchen and begins to throw some ingredients together to make a quick dinner for them.

About thirty minutes later, dinner is ready and there's still no sign of Sahira so Henrik goes off in search of her. He finds her sat on the edge of Indy's bed, staring at her sleeping son. She can't quite believe he's back and part of her is afraid that if she blinks, he'll disappear and it'll all be a dream. She's aware that Henrik is in the room as well and he rests a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Dinner is ready." He cuts off her protest. "Come on, he'll still be here when you're done. You need to eat." Sahira finds she can't argue and knows that he'll be safe, they'll both be safe as long as Henrik's around. She allows herself to be led back downstairs to the kitchen table.

"I didn't know you were a fan of 'in the night garden'?" Sahira questions Hanssen with a smile as they're eating which becomes broader at Hanssen's perplexed look. "'In the night garden' is the childrens programme you and Indy were intently sleeping through." She explains. "It made a wonderful picture to come home to: my son fast asleep on your chest, both of you snoring away happily."

"Oh." He looks a little embarrassed to have been caught out and scratches his neck, trying to loosen his collar. "I hope you didn't mind him watching some TV, I wasn't sure what else to do to keep him entertained until you returned."

"Of course I don't mind. I'm relieved beyond words to have him back with us. What happened, Henrik? How did you get him back?" He was prepared for these questions and had spent the early evening preparing his responses as he waited for the small boy in question to eat his food. Sahira didn't need to know all of the details and he wasn't going to offer some information unless she specifically asked and even then he'd find a way to divert her attention. He decides that she is better off not knowing how irresponsible her ex-husband is.

"I got a phone call this afternoon. It was about Indy. Apparently I have been promoted to next-of-kin." He looks at Sahira who can't quite meet his gaze, her turn to feel embarrassed. "It appears that they tried to contact you but you were in theatre at the time so as the next next-of-kin I was informed. I don't mind by the way, not that I'm in any position to mind seeing as you've been my next-of-kin since Colchester." His voice trails away as he admits just how long it's been.

"That's nearly nine years ago, Henrik!" Sahira is taken aback by his admission. "Why me?" She queries.

"I didn't... well, who else would I put down? You and now Indy are all I have." He replies softly and Sahira is all too aware that although his masks of indifference have protected him, it's also made him incredibly lonely over the years. Sahira starts to speak but a look from Hanssen keeps her silent, he's not finished yet.

"I then came down to Darwin to tell you and you know how that went." Now it's Hanssen's turn to look away as he redirects the conversation back towards the day's more painful events.

"I apologise for earlier, I was foolish and allowed jealousy to cloud my actions with regards to you and Mr. Douglas. I know I left abruptly but I was afraid that if I stayed, you'd realise that you're with the wrong man. It was why I didn't stay to speak with you in the car park." Sahira reaches out a hand and covers his and squeezes gently. Hanssen stares at their hands before relaxing again, he hadn't realised how much he'd tensed up.

"I went to collect Indy, brought him back here, made him some food and then we must've fallen asleep watching some TV then you arrived and the rest you know." She's aware he's leaving out some details but she finds that right now she doesn't mind, they have plenty of time, she'll find out one day, but right now she has her son back and she has the man sitting in front of her to thank.

After dinner has been cleared away, Sahira can't stop yawning and Hanssen sends her upstairs to go to bed while he shuts up the house for the night. By the time he gets upstairs, into the bathroom, changed and ready for bed, Sahira looks much more awake and he shakes his head, mildly amused, if he didn't know better, he'd think she did that on purpose to get a few more minutes with her son, not that he blames her at all.

This time, getting into the bed with her and pulling her close to him feels absolutely natural and he's amazed at the ease at which he now acts around her in this kind of a personal setting. They don't speak and Henrik is content to drift off to sleep when he feels Sahira's hand snake under his shirt and begin to trace patterns on his chest. As delicious an effect her ministrations are creating, he can't do this. Not now. He doesn't want to ruin the best evening they've had in a long time. He plants his hand over hers, trapping it in place before removing it from under his shirt.

"Another time, Ms. Shah." He whispers in her ear, aware that she seems to enjoy the way he says her name and she shivers. He moves them both onto their sides and he curls around behind her, confidently placing his hand on her hip this time.

Sahira frowns, something isn't quite right with Henrik; it's not the first time he's frozen around her like that, she doesn't understand, he's a surgeon, for crying out loud, it's not the human body that makes him uncomfortable and he's operated on just as many women as he has men so it isn't the female body. Although she's never known him have a partner as long as she's known him, he must've had relationships before. She's been content to wait until he seems ready enough for the physical side of their relationship to progress but she's becoming seriously frustrated at the lack of progression.

In the dark and surrounded by Henrik's warmth, her body betrays her and she begins to fall asleep and just as she's on the point of sleep she realises that it's not her body, it must be his that's causing him to shy away from her. She resolves to find out what's wrong as she succumbs to sleep.

Hanssen sighs when , listening to Sahira's breathing change, he knows when she's finally fallen asleep. That was far too close for his comfort, he knows that Sahira is far from stupid and will have worked out that something isn't quite right. Any proper man would have made love to her weeks if not months ago, a voice supplies that Hanssen is far from normal, he's broken and as soon as she realises how broken he is, she's going to leave him. Scrunching his eyes shut he buries his face into her hair and allows the slightly fruity smell which is uniquely Sahira to soothe him and somehow he falls asleep.

It's still dark when Sahira wakes in what feels like the middle of the night and gently removes herself from Henrik's sleeping grasp before making her way to the bathroom. On her way back she stands in the doorway of Indy's room and allows herself a few minutes to watch him sleeping. Satisfied that her son doesn't appear any worse for wear for his week with his father she creeps back into her bedroom but realises that she need not have worried about being quiet – Henrik is awake and watching her.

His eyebrows raise as she climbs onto the bed and onto him with the duvet trapping him into place. He's content to allow her to run her fingers through his hair, an action he's always found soothing but nobody has thought to or wanted to have done that for him since his mother died. She traces the features of his face, lingers on the small scar that he has, courtesy of Rafi. She replaces her fingertips with her lips and kisses the small scar softly, whoever it was that stitched him up has done a good job, it isn't really noticeable at a distance. She continues her journey around his chin, avoiding his mouth and it's starting to distract him as he seeks a kiss from her.

Pinned beneath her, with the aid of the duvet, his range of motion has been limited and he growls quietly at her to stop teasing him which she has no intention of doing. She kisses down his throat and bites softly at the point where his neck meets his shoulder and he groans. Smirking she pulls away and sits back to assess him; he's got his eyes closed and his head tilted to one side to give her greater access to his neck. The doctor in her notes that his respiratory rate has increased, as has his pulse rate.

Leaning back a little further, she is able to pull the duvet away from him and she climbs over it, flinging it away behind her. She settles herself back on top of Hanssen who is attempting to look shocked at Sahira's behaviour but is failing and looks amused instead. She is a little relieved, she wasn't sure how he would take her actions, having gently rejected her every time up until now. She leans forward again and returns to her previous ministrations which have the desired effect upon him – he's not paying attention to anything but her mouth. She smiles into his skin as she kisses her way back around his jaw, teasing him, still avoiding his mouth, beginning to undo the buttons on his shirt without Hanssen noticing.

She manages to undo all the buttons and peels aside his shirt, fully intending to kiss her way down his torso. However, before she has the chance to relish the opportunity she finds herself flat on her back with Henrik kneeling over her. He's got his forehead resting on top of hers and she can't escape his gaze, even if she'd wanted to. Sahira leans up to kiss him and Hanssen pulls away slightly.

"I know what you are trying to do" Henrik rasps, his voice much deeper compared to its usual tone and it makes Sahira shiver. Before she can think, Sahira shifts her hips at the same time her hands reach Hanssen's waist and pulls him down on top of her. He hisses when their hips make contact but doesn't move away. "Please Sahira, I can't..."

"Relax, Henrik, let me..." Sahira tries to soothe him and her hands slip under his shirt and make their way over his ribs towards his back. He tenses and then pushes himself up off her and the bed and snarls "I said no!" before stalking out of the bedroom and heading to the bathroom, forgetting to lock the door behind him.

He makes his way over to the sink, glad he hadn't turned on the light, even with the ambient moonlight it takes him a minute or so for his vision to adjust. He avoids the mirror, the self-loathing would be all too evident if he bothered to look and he snorts, he can't even meet his own reflection, absolutely pathetic. His gaze falls on his razor, set out ready for the morning. He doesn't move, just stares at the instrument and contemplates it. Contemplates the feel of the metal in his flesh and whether it could possibly hurt any more than he is at the moment, he hears a car drive past the house and it startles him.

His concentration broken, he draws his eyes back to the mirror and assess the gaunt figure in front of him. His eyes travel down from his face to his torso, still partially visible through his shirt as a result of Sahira's actions a few minutes ago. He can still feel her hands on him, her lips peppering kisses on his face and neck, he can't deny the effect she has on him and he groans. She knew what she was doing and he responded all too readily, he's aroused as hell and it almost hurts. No matter, he deserves to suffer.

Sahira. He closes his eyes. He loves Sahira, loves her more than anything but he knows it isn't enough. He isn't capable of proving how he feels about her. He can't give her what she needs, he's broken, defective. Maybe his father was correct after all. Attempting to fight the memories which are replaying themselves, a solitary tear escapes down his cheek and this is how Sahira finds him.

Sahira finds him standing in the dark, tense, almost to the point of snapping, shirt undone and a tear making its way down his face. It's the tear that breaks her heart.

She was shocked by his behaviour and lay still for a few moments in the position he'd left her, staring at the door, waiting for him to return but she isn't expecting him to return of his own accord, he'll need some persuading. If he comes back at all.

She can't figure out what she did wrong, to cause him to react like that. She feels her own arousal cool at the turn of events and she wonders what is up with Henrik. She really doesn't understand, part of him, a very important part of him she wryly notes, was interested in what she was doing to him until he realised she'd undone his shirt and then he lost it with her hands on his back. They can't put this off any longer, they need to talk.

Groaning, she moves and rolls to the edge of the bed before getting up. She throws the duvet on the bed loosely, not bothering too much about tidiness and goes in search of him. She makes her way downstairs, expecting him to be sat in the dark torturing himself over some perceived transgression but there's no sign of him. Frowning, she retraces her steps back to the living room and spots his keys still sitting on the side, he's still here somewhere then. Puzzled, she makes her way back up the stairs, checking Indy's room, wondering if he's gone to sit with her son. Nothing. She checks her own room, wondering if he has returned, still no sign.

There's only one room left and she curses herself for not thinking of it before. This was where he hid the last time he acted strangely around her. She opens the bathroom door, half expecting it to be locked but it isn't and the door opens easily.

Sahira finds him standing in the dark, tense, almost to the point of snapping, shirt undone and a tear making its way down his face. It's the tear that breaks her heart. She doesn't want to startle him as she enters and so she shuts the door audibly and he jumps but gives no other acknowledgement of her presence. After a few seconds it's clear that she needs to make the next move and she treads over to him. She whispers his name as she puts her arms around him and rests her head against his spine.

"Henrik?" Still nothing.

Sahira moves around and insinuates herself between the tall Swede and the sink. Only when she kisses his sternum and whispers "I love you." does he respond with more tears and a stifled sob. Sahira pulls Hanssen down towards her and kisses away every tear as it appears and after a while his tears stop and she tries again "Talk to me."

Less tense but still silent he opens his eyes and Sahira sees how beaten he is. Gone is the Director of Surgery, the arrogant but brilliant consultant, the dedicated Doctor, the man. All that's left is a small broken boy.

"I'm sorry, Sahira." She tries not to jump at the sound of his voice, that would be the last thing he'd need, he'd interpret it as a flinch. He bows his head and Sahira places her hand under his chin, trying to lift his head back up but he jerks away out of her grip.

"Do you love me?" Hanssen looks up then and Sahira is taken aback by the haunted look he gives her.

"More than anything." He croaks.

"More than you hate yourself?" She fires back and he doesn't answer immediately. She's relieved to see a spark of Hanssen back with her; he might be on the brink of an emotional breakdown but he'll still give her and her question due consideration. Rafi would have said yes without thinking about the answer, if she had ever asked him. She knows now, beyond any reasonable doubt that what she has with Hanssen is right and leaving Rafi was the right move. This isn't the easy option by any means but she'll fight tooth and nail for him, for them. "Don't answer it, just think about it. But talk to me please, Henrik."

There's another silence and when he does reply, with a small shake of his head, Sahira has to strain to hear it. "You'll only leave me."


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Notes: This was incredibly hard to write. Not just for the subject matter but trying to keep them as close to character as possible whilst putting them into a situation in which we're highly unlikely to see (I hope). **

**A million thanks for every review and message you've sent. Thanks again.**

"You'll only leave me."

His comment catches Sahira off-guard and stunned, she doesn't reply. She can see Henrik's protective walls going up and she shakes her head vigorously, unable to verbally answer and buries herself back into his arms. He's tense and doesn't return her embrace but she is not deterred. Stubbornly she hangs onto him and eventually he puts his arms around Sahira and they stand together with his head resting on top of hers for an indeterminate amount of time. The only sounds he can hear are their breathing and the occasional dripping of the tap.

"In fact, this display is all unnecessary, I've survived by myself and I am more than capable of continuing to do so." He doesn't realise that he has spoken out loud and Sahira interrupts him before he can continue to turn back in Mr. Hanssen and retreat behind sarcasm and masks of indifference.

"You don't get it, do you, Henrik? You aren't alone any more." She needs to calm down before she says something without thinking. She's becoming frustrated at his stubborn refusal to talk to her. "I love you, do you doubt that?" He admits that he doesn't doubt that Sahira loves him, it's _why _she should love _him_ which is beyond him.

"What's not to love? I'll always be here one way or another." Sahira states into his chest and Hanssen winces a little, unknowingly, Sahira has almost echoed his mother's final words to him and that proves to be his undoing and he holds her a little tighter than she's comfortable with but she stays silent and grimaces so he can't see.

"After my mother died, I turned to my father as any 9 year old would. He wasn't capable or willing to look after his own son. In fact, I didn't exist as far as he was concerned. I must confess, it was with some relief that I was sent to England." He doesn't expand on the two years any further and Sahira frowns.

"I spent the school year in a foreign land where I didn't really speak the language. I missed my mother and was glad when the summer holidays resulted in my return to Sweden. However, in my absence, it transpires that my father had discovered the dubious benefits of alcohol. With alcohol-fuelled certainty he found me guilty of the crime of killing my mother. As self-appointed Judge, Jury and Executioner, he took it upon himself to punish me for my crime."

"He was hurting, I'm sure he didn't mean to..." Hanssen's reaction is spectacular and Sahira is scared for a moment of him and she lets go of him, he doesn't seem to notice, too blinded by his anger.

"You have no idea..." Hanssen towers over her and spins suddenly, turning to leave the room but before he can make it to the door Sahira reaches out and grasps his hand, not letting him leave. The only times she's ever been able to get information out of him that he hasn't wanted her to know has been to provoke him

"Exactly! You've told me nothing! Just pulled away and withdrawn back into your shell as if it will be OK. It's not OK! You're suffering and I don't know why. Talk to me Henrik. What the hell happened to you?" Taking a breath to calm herself, Sahira's anger dissipates and she belatedly hopes they haven't woken Indy.

He pulls his hand out of hers but doesn't go to leave, he's just standing there, breathing heavily, trying to control his anger. When the anger fades, he feels resigned to the inevitable. "You'll only leave me anyway. Everyone does."

He pulls open his shirt and after another deep breath he takes it off. At first Sahira doesn't realise what she's seeing and when she does understand she can't contain the gasp. When Hanssen hears her gasp he hangs his head, waiting for Sahira to push past him and run away he tells himself it's not the first time he's had this reaction but it will most certainly be the final time. He is glad he can't see her face but confused that she hasn't left yet.

Sahira is shocked, speechless at the severity of the scarring on his back. Some of those are deep and have healed as if they've never been looked at by a doctor. There's silence from Sahira and Hanssen doesn't know what to do, he can't bring himself to face her but he needs some kind of response from her. She seems to realise this and not wanting to startle him she whispers "May I touch you?"

Hanssen shrugs indifferently. He expects her to leave, the timing makes little difference to him. He is aware of Sahira moving closer to him and she kisses some of his scars and he feels the tears falling in response to the totally unexpected, gentle gesture. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat and stubbornly refuses to entertain the possibility that she isn't leaving him.

"I love you and no matter how much I... they're part of you, Henrik." Sahira's comments

part of him wishes that she'd be repulsed by him, he can deal with that. He hasn't got a clue how to cope with her love. He finds his voice and continues to speak, hoping to scare her away.

"When I returned to school that autumn, I threw myself into learning the language and my studies. I buried myself in work and began to excel academically. But I was forced to go back every summer to find that each year he had become more dependent on the alcohol to cope with life. As a result, the abuse grew in severity." He's aware of her arms moving around him but forces himself not to flinch at her touch.

"It started mildly enough, from shouting and threatening to punches. At first I was pitifully grateful that he was acknowledging I existed. The first two summers weren't so bad, it was mostly verbal with the odd punch thrown. By the time I reached 14 however, I was hospitalised a couple of times but he always had an excuse ready for the doctors and the nurses. They didn't even think to question his story." He clenches his fists as a result of his frustration at the injustice of it all.

As he talks, his thoughts trace ahead, progressing to his final summer 'holiday' and is over come nausea and revulsion as memories of what his father and uncle did replay. He can't tell Sahira, can't tell anyone and pulls away from her, losing his fight to hold onto his dinner.

Sahira isn't sure whether he would welcome any physical contact yet so she stands a foot away from him, watching his pale torso heave as he's sick into the loo. She watches the skin as it stretches across his ribs and back and the way it tightens around the scars. Drained after being sick, Hanssen turns and slumps down against to the bath, knees bend and holding his head in his hands. He jumps a few moments later when Sahira flops down beside him and he murmurs an apology to her without looking at her.

She doesn't respond verbally, instead running her fingers along the veins in his arm until she reaches his hand which she pulls into her lap and traces along his long, fine fingers. Head still resting on his other hand, he turns to look at her wearily for the first time since he told her some of his past before leaning back. Sahira follows his lead and leans to her right, tucking her head onto his shoulder.

"When I was in my final year at medical school, I had a short-lived 'relationship' with one of my classmates." he begins, not sure why he's telling her this story but dredging up painful memories seems to be par for the course tonight. "In my naivety I mistook her motivations for love. It transpired that she had a bet running with two friends about me and certain physical attributes." He speaks lightly as if it was of little consequence but Sahira can hear the underlying sadness.

"As soon as she ran her fingers over my back and felt the scarring she wanted to know what they were. When she saw them... We graduated not long after that and I haven't spoken to her since." Sahira squeezes his hand and he calms, the bitterness in his voice fading away. "Earlier, when you nearly ran your fingers over my back, I was expecting the same reaction and I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving me too. It would have killed me." Now that particular reaction makes sense to Sahira and she's angry at the other woman's callous treatment of Henrik. She's about to question him on his statement of not having spoken to this woman since that ill-fated evening, she's getting wiser to his misdirections but he continues to speak.

"Perhaps unsurprisingly I found myself without any inclination to attempt to repeat that whole affair until recently." He closes his eyes. "I hated myself for years for falling in love with you. I swore I would never tell you how I felt about you. I had almost convinced myself that I was able to function perfectly well without you when you turned up at Colchester." He gives a small, humourless laugh and falls silent.

Sahira is absent-mindedly rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. It's a strangely innocent action and Hanssen takes comfort in that. At some point during their talk he has leaned to his left and has his head tilted so that it rests of the top of hers. Hanssen knows he'll almost certainly have a stiff neck at work today but he has no inclination to move just yet.

He feels numb, deflated, tired but not tired at the same time. He's a mess. Sitting on a cold bathroom floor at quarter to five on a mid December morning isn't doing him many favours, especially having just revealed what he has to Sahira. He shivers a little and he isn't sure whether it's because he's cold or because he's tired, either way, Sahira notices.

"You've got to be up in an hour, come back to bed, we need to warm up. If I'm feeling stiff you must be." Awkwardly Hanssen picks himself up off the bathroom floor and turns to face Sahira who is slow in getting up as well. He reaches out for her hand, wanting to maintain physical contact with her, not yet ready to relinquish the lifeline she's offering him.

Hanssen slides into the bed before her and as she follows him she's humbled to realise that he has kept his shirt off. Small steps, she thinks.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

They're kissing as they stumble into the bedroom, her foot collides with a piece of furniture and they both nearly fall over; they manage to make it to the bed without further mishap. Hanssen removes his shirt and moves towards her, pulling her down on top of him on the bed.

She's teasing him, relishing in it. Small movements with her hips and she reaches behind her to undo her top and when he realises she's not wearing a bra he has to close his eyes for a moment. He's determined to put his past behind him and finally get to fucking sleeping with someone, see if it's all it's cracked up to be. She leans forward to kiss him, allowing her breasts to tease him and he's had enough being teased.

He manages to reverse their positions although with the couple of drinks they've both had, the procedure isn't as smooth as it could be and they both laugh. As he's tracing kisses along her collarbone, she runs her hands up and down his arms, noting the wiry strength. Her hands move up his arms again and this time her fingers dance over his ribs and his back.

His back. Suddenly sober, he tenses. Eyes wide, she stops and pushes him off her and he relents. She moves around him to see what caused the strange feeling under her fingers. Hanssen knows what is about to happen, part of him wants to move, so she can't see his disfigurement but he can't move and her progress around him is relentless.

She screams.

Hanssen is woken by the shriek of the alarm. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes he leans over and silences the alarm. He's amazed that he was able to fall back to sleep after the night's events. He finds his glasses have been knocked to the floor and as he puts them on the world begins to focus again. He lies back against the pillows, waiting for his breathing to calm and his heart rate to slow. It's not a surprise that he's dreamt of that night, having told Sahira about it but he hasn't thought of it in years, months at least.

He spends a moment watching Sahira sleep, in the hour or so they've slept she has managed to acquire nearly all of the duvet from him and he allows a small smile to appear. He looks at her and wishes to lean over and kiss her but thinks better of it, he'd rather she sleep and not risk waking him up. He doesn't feel up to speaking with her yet, he isn't sure how she'll approach him and wants to put off finding out.

With a grunt he gets up, his neck is stiff as he thought it would be but other than that he feels ok, feels unusually peaceful and he has the woman in the bed to thank for that. Gathering up his clothes he pads out of the room, pausing for a moment before opening the bathroom door. The room is unremarkable and with the exception of his shirt which he picks up from where he discarded it in anger a couple of hours ago the room is as it was the day before.

He locks the door behind him and takes a quick shower, needing to remove the feel of cold sweat from his nightmare. He looks in the mirror briefly as he is preparing to shave and assesses the man staring back at him, throwing some cold water on his face when he's done and removes any traces of emotional disturbance. He looks every inch like Mr. Hanssen but he certainly doesn't feel like him. Despite Sahira's seeming acceptance, Hanssen still feels the need for extra armour and puts on his waistcoat before heading to the kitchen.

Hanssen will almost always choose tea over coffee these days but after the emotional upheaval of the previous night, he decides that something with a bit more caffeine will be necessary. He wanders around the kitchen for a few minutes with his mug until the drink is at a better temperature to drink. Looking at his watch he decides it's time to leave for work and gulps down his drink, grimacing at the temperature.

Henrik is gone when Sahira is woken by Indy jumping on her and she blearily opens her eyes but it's clear that he isn't interested in sleeping or letting his mother sleep. After neither method of sticking her head under a pillow or trying to calm the small boy seem to work, Sahira gives in and gets up. She had hoped for a little more time to sleep, not only has Jac given her night shifts for the next week or so, she feels like she's not had any sleep and a quick glance in the mirror confirms that she looks as bad as she feels.

The next few days pass too quickly for Sahira. She barely sees Henrik and it turns out that nobody else has seen him either; after a bit of not-so-subtle detective work she found that Sir Frasier had visited him and no-one has seen much of the Swede since then. Sahira dreads to think what the man has said or done to make Henrik hide away like this. A couple of times she's taken to leaving sandwiches on his desk because she doubts he'll eat otherwise.

At home, with her current shift patterns Sahira somehow manages to get a Christmas tree but leaves it standing, undecorated in the living room, too tired to do anything about it. As Christmas Eve dawns, Sahira returns after her final night shift with only a couple of hours until her next shift starts to find that the tree has been decorated as has the room, two stockings hung and a sandwich on the table waiting for her.

She feels like crying. There's no question of who has done this for her and it only confirms that her decision to leave Rafi was the correct one. Realising that she could get nearly three hours sleep before having to get up for her next shift without worrying about making the house look Christmassy for Indy is possibly the best bit of news she's heard all day, it might only be six-thirty but she hasn't slept yet. Half asleep already she stumbles into her bedroom and promptly walks into Henrik who is just leaving.

"Ah, Sahira. I hope you don't mind my staying, it was a rather late finish..." He knows he's babbling but can't seem to stop himself. He prides himself on his ability to weave words as deftly as he wields a scalpel but right now he's been caught at the scene of a good deed and he's never been good at accepting praise, always a nagging uncertainty over whether it is really deserved.

"Henrik..." Sahira's thanks is interrupted by a big yawn and the tall man uses the opportunity to gather her into his arms for a hug.

"I believe you have an opportunity for a period of sleep, now? I would advise you to utilise it, Ms. Shah." Although his words are professional, his tone and actions are not. "I'll see you at work in a few hours." He lets her go after pressing a kiss to the top of her head and watches her, still clothed move towards the bed and fall asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow. He waits a moment and after he's done watching her, convinced she'll stay asleep he moves her and adjusts the duvet, setting her alarm clock before leaving the house.

Hanssen felt a bit guilty when, on the drive into work, he realised that part of him was relieved he hadn't been able to share a bed with Sahira over the past few days. He missed her presence in his bed but he's been subjected to nightmares that he's relieved she hasn't been there to witness. His partial confession may be good for his conscious but his subconscious has granted him no reprieve, quite the opposite in fact. When he does get to his office he makes a phone call and then gets on with his work, attempting to clear some of his paperwork before Christmas.

Spirits buoyed and feeling much more human after a nap; Sahira's hopes of a relaxed day when she returns to the hospital are thwarted when two trauma cases arrive within minutes of the other. The day seems to get progressively more frustrating as it continues. To the extent that at lunchtime she goes in search of the Director of Surgery only to find him absent from his office.

"Summoned twice in one day." Comments Greg, looking over Sahira's shoulder at her email inbox, specifically the one she's just received from Hanssen asking for her to meet him in his office. "My, we have been a naughty girl." The Irishman grins and winks at Sahira, enjoying her discomfort in front of Mr. Hope. Greg is well aware that Sahira's earlier trip up to the fifth floor wasn't the result of their boss and he enjoyed hearing Sahira's excuse when she returned.

"Oh, don't listen to him." Greg makes a wounded face at Elliot's comment and places his hand over his chest before grinning and leaving.

"Thanks Elliot, I should really be on my way." Sahira moves past the consultant but pauses at the door, turns back and surprises the other man with a quick hug and a "Merry Christmas."

"Careful Elliot, you'll make the Big H jealous." Remarks Jac as she stands in the doorway and smirks at the other woman as she leaves before turning her attention to her paperwork.

Sahira knocks on Hanssen's door, not sure what to expect. She hopes that it isn't going to be a grilling of some sort, it's gone 6pm on Christmas Eve, her shift has finished and she wants to go home. Preferably with Hanssen but if he annoys her... The thoughts die in her head as she realises there is someone else is in the office with the tall Swede.

"Mama!" There's a small blur as Indy races across from the sofa in Hanssen's office and launches himself at her. After appropriate greetings, Sahira has the opportunity to look up at Hanssen who is pretending to intently look at some paperwork but the small smile on his face gives him away.

"So how did you get here?" Sahira asks her son, although she already knows the answer, she wants to have it confirmed and Indy proudly tells her that the Swede was indeed responsible for his current location. He's about to continue babbling when Hanssen stands and interrupts the small boy.

"Ready to leave?" Hanssen ignores Sahira's questioning look and within ten minutes Sahira and Indy are on their way home. Hanssen is heading to his and will continue on to hers. When they leave his office, he picks up the wrapped presents from his desk drawer and turning off the lights and locking the door, he heads towards his car.

By the time that Hanssen arrives at Sahira's and lets himself in, Indy has already been put to bed and Sahira has a small dinner ready on the table.

"My parents are coming over, briefly tomorrow. They'd like to meet you." Sahira mentions, hoping that it sounds casual enough. She's been putting her mother off for weeks, ever since she almost hung up on her, the night that Henrik turned up soaked to the skin. It seems like a lifetime ago.

"I have ward rounds to complete tomorrow." Sahira doesn't like it but knows better than to tell him, she doesn't want a lecture on the responsibilities of the Director of Surgery. Seeing her expression falter a little, Henrik adds "We'll sort something out, I'm sure." They finish the meal in relaxed quiet before clearing up and heading towards bed.

It's been just over a week since the last time Hanssen and Sahira stayed together and although that particular night was not one of his finer, he has nevertheless missed her. His bed has felt too large and empty without Sahira. Hanssen concludes that if Sahira's seemingly perpetual requirement for physical contact in the shape of hugs, casual touches and one sneaky kiss in a lift are any indication, she misses him also.

By now, although they have only spent a handful of nights together, they are both quick learners and have their routine sorted. As they lie in bed, Hanssen on his back and with his arm around Sahira who is on her side, curled into him, she makes an observation. Hanssen snorts quietly and Sahira is glad to see him smiling.

"Part of an old-married couple at 48... There are worse fates to be condemned to, I suppose." He jerks away from Sahira as she jabs him in the ribs for his comment. "Thank you, Ms. Shah. I never thought that I... I have you to thank." He whispers the last part, suddenly serious, using his left hand to brush a lock of hair away from her face, studying her intently. After a heartbeat he lowers his lips to hers. The kiss is soft and undemanding. "I missed you, you know."

Hanssen pulls him right arm out from under her and props himself up on it, using his left hand to trace seemingly random swirls on her, Sahira tries not to squirm. Instead she reaches out and as she goes to undo his shirt, she meets his eyes, silently asking permission which he nervously grants. His continued use of his waistcoat hasn't escaped her and she knows she needs to tread carefully.

When she's removed his shirt she pushes him onto his back, keeping the scars hidden which he seems to appreciate and she explores, batting his hands away when they try to reach for her. After a while, Sahira gets up off the bed and she orders him onto his stomach and he's uncertain but complies after she reassures him. Still slightly nervous, she pauses and lets her hands rest on his back until some of the immediate tension fades away, he jumps a little as she begins to move her hands. She starts with a soft massage around his shoulders, avoiding his scars, running her hands up and down his shoulders and arms too.

"Mama! Is Christmas!" The shout makes them both jump and Sahira is quick to get over to Indy who is standing in the doorway so that the small boy doesn't see Henrik or the scarring. Picking him up and turning back round to face Hanssen who has by now sat up.

"Sorry. I'll get him settled and I'll be back." She says, almost apologetically to Hanssen who shrugs but doesn't say anything.

She shakes her head, amused. In the time it's taken to get Indy back into bed, Henrik is now fast asleep on the bed, snoring softly. She gets back into bed, glances at the alarm clock and settles down to wait to be woken up.


	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note:** Thanks for your patience with waiting for this chapter. I couldn't concentrate on this one until I had that one-shot written out and out of my head.

Probably time for another disclaimer: not mine yadda, yadda, yadda. As always, thanks for making it this far, feedback always appreciated as are suggestions. Thank you all for your reviews so far, too.

Chapter 29

Hanssen starts the new day as he ends the previous one, in bed whilst Sahira is trying to deal with an over-excited 3 year old boy.

He had woken a few minutes before Indy burst into the room to find Sahira idly tracing patterns onto his chest, through the duvet. At some point during the night they seem to have gravitated towards one another and Hanssen is slightly sheepish when he realises when he must have fallen asleep.

"An unfortunate side effect of advanced age... falling asleep when I did last night." He gives a clearly self-deprecating smile to the ceiling, he doesn't feel up to meeting her gaze which he can feel trained on him.

"You were tired, you said so yourself you'd had a late night before. Besides, that was the idea" Sahira tells him, hoping that his inexperience in the matter will mean that he'll have to believe her.

"Perhaps." He's not convinced but Sahira doesn't respond verbally, instead choosing to press a kiss to his neck. "I had rather hoped that..." he trails off, knowing what he wants to say but sure enough of himself to know how to voice what he wants to say.

"It's not important." Soothes Sahira, knowing what Henrik was trying to say, even if she's long done waiting. She leans over to kiss him properly, to distract him from his current train of thought. "Merry Christmas, Henrik." She doesn't get that far because Indy picks that moment to jump onto the bed, his entry into the room previously unnoticed.

"Is your son liable to do this every morning?"

"I don't remember you minding too much when his mother does it, do you?" Henrik knows when he's going to be outmanoeuvred and he grumbles that to Sahira. His annoyance at the small boy's timing vanishes when Indy, after cuddling and kissing his mother, turns his attention to Hanssen. The small boy regards the Swede with dark eyes before a big grins bursts across his face and he launches himself at him for a big hug.

"Careful Indy, I heard a rumour that Mr. Hanssen eats small children!" Sahira laughs at the expression on Hanssen's face, she knows he's trying to work out who told her that rumour. Indy seems unconcerned with the risk of being eaten however and announces his intention to stay where he is and Hanssen awkwardly tries to put his arm around the small boy, to stop him falling off the bed, he tells himself.

Indy picks this moment to proudly declare them a family and Sahira feels a bit ashamed for not realising what she had in front of her for years. If Indy's comment has provoked that kind of a reaction in her, she has no idea what it might have done to Henrik, she suggests going downstairs and waiting for Hanssen to join them then, to give him a few minutes to collect his thoughts and to put on a shirt to cover his back. He flashes her a grateful smile and watches her as she leaves the room.

"Take your time, Henrik. We'll grab some breakfast and wait for you." He nods and waits until he hears both of them reach the stairs before moving. He heads towards the bathroom and has a hot shower, trying to temper the reaction that Indy's statement has had, part of him still believes it's too good to be true and he's waiting for Rafi to turn back up and them all to have a laugh at his expense.

When Hanssen appears downstairs, wearing work clothes but with his shirt not fully done up and his tie in his hand, he surveys what's left of the living room floor. Not much is visible, it appears to have been quite a violent wrapping paper storm. Sahira appears with a cup of tea for him and whilst Indy is distracted, she explains that the small boy's patience had run out and he was asking all manner of questions about their relationship. Not wanting to get into that discussion with her 3 year old, Sahira had distracted him with some presents "And the rest as they say, is history." She quips with a smile and steals the kiss they were unable to have earlier.

Sahira returns to the kitchen to collect her own mug of tea and when she makes it back into the living room, she finds Indy babbling to Henrik who is nodding solemnly at her son. He doesn't look up at her but she knows that he's aware of her presence back in the room. "Nana and Fafa are coming over for lunch. And your Mama and Daddy?"

The effect is immediate, Hanssen tenses, mutters 'No.' to Indy before standing up, walking past Sahira on his way to the door. "I've got to go." He says taking his leave and heading to the hospital for ward rounds, ignoring Sahira calling his name.

Hanssen doesn't return until late afternoon, early evening, by which time Sahira's parents have gone. Sahira is almost certain that it was a deliberate move by the Swede but is a little thankful that the poor man didn't have to be subjected to her mother's interrogation. He arrives to find Indy playing with a toy and he beckons the small boy over and presents him with a small bunch of flowers that he instructs him to offer to Sahira and giggling the boy runs into the kitchen.

Hanssen is still standing in the doorway, coat and shoes still on, uncertain about his welcome after his abrupt departure earlier on in the day. Indy returns to his toy when he re-enters the room and his mother follows a moment later.

"I hope you're not going to stand there all night" she asks, clearly puzzled by his location and his attire.

"I was uncertain if I'd be welcome." He explains quietly, she sighs and walks over towards him, removing his coat and jacket from him and allowing him to remove his shoes before pulling him over towards the sofa.

"You managed to miss lunch, deliberate?" She asks and his inability to meet her gaze is answer enough for her. "However, I kept you some. You must be hungry. And thank you for the flowers by the way, they're lovely." He smiles down at her, feeling more confident and pulls her into an embrace.

"I'm sorry about earlier." He's got his chin on Sahira's head and lets his gaze drift around the room. As he does so, he spots something he was sure wasn't there earlier. A third stocking. He must've stiffened or given some kind of reaction because Sahira pulls back from him slightly and follows his sight, seeing what's caught his attention.

"We didn't get the chance to show you, this morning." His expression is blank but Sahira knows his mind is turning over all the possibilities. "It's yours, Indy picked it for you." At the mention of his name, Indy looks up and Hanssen looks back towards Sahira and smiles. He manages to croak a 'thank you' before leaning down and kissing her much to Indy's amusement.

Indy and Hanssen spend the next few minutes opening his presents while Sahira is in the kitchen warming up his dinner. "Do you love Mama?" Hanssen curses the boy's timing for the second time that day because Sahira had entered the room a few seconds earlier and is standing, amused at Hanssen's predicament.

"Well, Henrik?" He glares at her but she just laughs. He's aware that Indy is expecting an answer and he whispers into the small boy's ear who nods seriously and then starts to giggle. He loudly tells Sahira that 'it's a secret' when she asks what Henrik said to him.

"Thank you for the presents, Ms. Shah." Hanssen stands and moves the topic away from Indy's 'secret'. On his way past her to the kitchen to collect his dinner, he stops and he whispers in her ear that "I love them and I'll love you if you'll have me?"

While Hanssen is eating his dinner, he realises that he can't remember the last time someone cooked Christmas dinner for him, he's certainly never bothered cooking it for himself. A waste of time, energy and resources.

Hanssen is distracted by movement in his peripheral vision. Sahira is trying to pick up Indy to put him to bed but the boy isn't having any of it, 'he has undoubtedly consumed an excess of sugar and will be overly active for the next few hours' he frowns at the scene but says nothing, returning his attention to his dinner.

Indy manages to wriggle out of Sahira's exasperated grasp and runs over to hide himself behind Henrik's legs. He is about to intervene when he catches himself – it isn't his place to do so, Sahira's son, Sahira's house, Sahira's rules. Hanssen is suddenly confronted once more with feeling out of place. Part of him is longing to escape back to his house and back to the security of the silence, he knows who he is there; he's certain he belongs – he has a defined place. The past few months with Sahira have been what he's dreamed of for 16 years and he knows that he won't ever leave her. He's annoyed that his dreams of this life with Sahira didn't prepare him for his internal loss of identity.

His musing is interrupted by Sahira trying to get his attention. "Yes." He says a little sharper than he should but the small boy still hiding under his legs squeals and Hanssen belatedly realises that with his response, he has probably just volunteered himself for something. He wasn't listening to a word, he hasn't a clue and when he gets his answer he immediately begins to protest to Sahira who shrugs and takes his empty plate away.

"I can't put him to bed, I don't know what to do." In the end his protests are futile and defeated, he finds himself a minute later being led up the stairs by Indy. After brushing his teeth, Indy, with supervision from Hanssen gets changed into his PJs and picks a short story for Hanssen to read to him. The boy adds to his misery when he tells off the Swede for not doing the voices properly and he feels utterly ridiculous but submits to the boy's insistent demands.

As he reaches the end of the story he is relieved to see the boy's eyes dropping but before he falls asleep he mumbles to Henrik. "Daddy never read to me. Are you my new Daddy?"

"Do you want me to be?" Henrik asks, reverting back to his tried and tested method of answering a question with his own question. The boy nods sleepily and Hanssen looks away, not sure how he feels about what Indy has said.

"I guess that answers that one." Comes the answer from the door and Hanssen becomes aware of Sahira stood there, looking at them. Leaving the sleeping boy, he makes his way over to Sahira. "How did I do?"

"Not bad for a first attempt, you even did the voices." Sahira smiles at Hanssen's grimace. "In fact, do you want to put his mother to bed as well? Not that I feel much like sleeping, Mr. Hanssen."


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note: Apologies that this chapter took so long to put up, it felt like I rewrote it every day, it's certainly changed a lot since the first draft!**

**There's also good news and bad news. **

**Bad news: I changed my mind a bit and have decided to end this story after this chapter.**

**Good news: Don't fear, there is a sequel in the works – this was threatening to become a 100 chapter epic at this rate. Most of the first chapter of that is written so it shouldn't be too long before that is up. There are still a few things I want to see resolved, like Rafi and the introduction of new issues like Jac (see 'One to her' for an idea) for them.**

**Thank you all very much for making it this far and hopefully see you all again at the sequel. Let me know what you think and on with this chapter...**

Chapter 30

"In fact, do you want to put his mother to bed as well? Not that I feel much like sleeping, Mr. Hanssen." Hanssen gulps and his wide-eyed expression obviously amuses Sahira as it makes her laugh quietly. The sound breaks him out of his trance but he doesn't move, still regarding her almost warily, unsure what to expect next.

"Never mind." She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes; he can see that something is bothering her but he honestly doesn't know what it is. She doesn't give him any further clues as she leans up, kisses him on the cheek and heads towards the stairs. "See you downstairs," before disappearing down the stairs. He exhales loudly, allowing the air to rush out of his lungs rather than his usual controlled release. He's uncertain and not for the first time he curses himself for his ignorance.

He won't find out if he doesn't talk to her but he isn't certain whether he wants to know at all. Taking a breath to calm himself, he heads down the stairs after her.

He finds her sitting on the sofa in the living room, in the dark. She looks up when he enters the room and they regard one another without speaking for a few moments. "Sahira..." She shakes her head, to silence him and he moves to sit with her on the sofa but surprises her by pulling her into his arms and onto him. "Whatever I've done, I do love you." Sahira has to suddenly blink back tears and she feels like a selfish idiot. She tightens her arms around him but doesn't trust herself to speak.

They're lying on the sofa with Sahira's head on Henrik's chest. She had turned the main lights in the room off and currently the only light comes from the lights on the Christmas tree. They're casting a gentle glow in an otherwise dark room and it has caught their attention and Sahira stares at it while Hanssen stares at the ceiling, his arms wrapped loosely around her torso rubbing small circles into her back.

"I think it's bedtime." Sahira feels him tense at her words and she isn't certain whether it's the suddenness of her words after nearly an hour of silence or whether it's what she said. When he doesn't relax immediately and inhales shakily, she has her answer.

They head upstairs and Sahira notes that Henrik seems withdrawn again. He disappeared straight away to the bathroom to get changed and he's taken a shirt to wear again as well. She sighs as she gets changed herself, annoyed. Sahira is done waiting, she's been more than patient, they've been together for what, six weeks? She shakes her head, something isn't right, even with his scarring, it doesn't explain his aversion to her, well, sex with her at any rate.

As much as she loves him and she has always loved him if she's honest, they can't continue indefinitely like this. It's beyond question that leaving Rafi was the correct course of action. She still can't truthfully answer whether a relationship with Henrik is or has been the best course of action for them. She wants to say yes but she knows they can't until they address the issues, mostly Henrik's issues which are keeping them apart and which he is stubbornly refusing to do so.

"Penny for your thoughts, Sahira?" He's stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders as she sits on the edge of the bed. She jumped slightly, not hearing his entrance.

"They're worth much more than that." She answers cryptically, Hanssen looks questioningly at her but she doesn't answer his unasked question. Without letting him retreat into puzzling about her words she hugs him and leans back on the bed, pulling him with her and he lies next to her. He still looks unsure of himself but he leans forward and kisses her. His kiss was gentler than she had expected, almost hesitant and much removed from his recent kisses which had become more confident from him. She wasn't joking, her thoughts were worth a lot; they have everything at stake.

Slowly his confidence returns and Sahira tries to keep him busy, distracted from whatever his concerns are. Part of her is worried that Henrik will be furious when he works out what she's trying to do but the only alternative is to talk and they've tried, well she's tried, Henrik just clams up. He pulls away from her again and runs a hand over her, stopping when he reaches her hip, drawing small patterns and she melts.

He squeezes his hand and smiles softly at her before he stands up to move to the other side of the bed. Sahira stands with him and pulls him into a hug, slipping her hands beneath his shirt. He tenses out of reflex and Sahira, concerned that he'll pull away from her raises her hands further up his back, holding him to her. As she does so she becomes aware of the amount of scar tissue under her fingers and how it feels.

He pulls away from her then. As he's standing there, looking down at her with his mask firmly in place, she almost panics until she realises that he isn't rejecting her or running away but he is stood still, waiting for him to be rejected by her, as if that's what he expects. She gets up off the bed and moves to reassure him but is stopped short by his words before she can reach him.

"Have you forgotten so soon? Look at me." He sneers and Sahira takes an involuntary step back at the transformation in him.

"It's not... I'm not..." She's desperate, realising she might have miscalculated.

"It's not _me_ that you want. Look at me." The anger is gone from his voice this time and resigned acceptance has taken its place and without his glasses on he currently looks incredibly vulnerable. Sahira is fed up of Henrik pulling away and deciding for her what she wants and what she doesn't.

"God damn it Henrik, yes I do!" She pauses then, aware she has just shouted at him and they hold their breath, waiting to hear if Indy has been disturbed but there are no noises from his room and they both relax. She takes a breath and starts again, much calmer.

"I don't like them, you're right about that but there's nothing we can do about them, like it or not, they're part of you. Did you think I'd stop loving you when I found out about them? Do you truly believe me so superficial? I want you, even with them." She gestures at his torso although it's clear what she's talking about.

"But it isn't just yourself to consider, Sahira." He draws himself up, once more the Director of Surgery in lecture mode, if he's about to retreat into logic, she can almost guarantee he feels the opposite and whatever course of action he decides will be the most painful for him. "Your son. I can't be a new father to him as if one can replace and conjure one on demand. Life doesn't work like that." He finishes bitterly. His words make her pause, she wasn't expecting that, she knows he's saying more than she's understanding but they'll have to deal with that another time.

"Indy doesn't give a shit, he loves you, Henrik. He doesn't care who or what you are or aren't. He sees the man who loves his mother, the man his mother loves. In three months you've shown him more love than Rafi managed in three years." She takes a step forward and is relieved to see that Henrik doesn't back away from her but keeps his place. "What has got you so worried?"

He won't admit he's worried that he'll turn into his own father. He can't deny that the boy loves him but what if. It's all about 'what if' and Henrik has always found that it's easier to pull away and not find out, just in case 'what if' happens, he'd never forgive himself. He turns away a little and exhales, attempting to appear bored.

"You're a better man, Henrik." She ventures a guess and she knows she's right when he doesn't react at all. He'd have told her in a moment if she was wrong. "You won't become him, you're better than him. We both love you." This time he looks away, closes his eyes and pinches his nose. Sahira uses his distraction to embrace him and as she holds him, she is aware of wetness on her cheek, she goes to wipe it away, not realising that she's been crying when another tear drop lands on her hand and belatedly she realises they're not her tears after all. She lowers her hand and doesn't mention them, doesn't say anything and the two of them just stand there, this time she's careful to keep her hands over the top of his shirt. She doesn't know how long she's stood there with him and she really doesn't care.

Henrik pinches his nose desperately but he loses his battle with the tears that were threatening to fall. He can't comprehend their acceptance of him, he's not felt accepted anywhere since he was nine. He does not understand why she stays with him, he has nothing to offer her that any other man can't already do better than he can. Hanssen isn't aware that he's spoken out loud until she answers him, placing her hands at either side of his head so he has to look at her.

"What's not to love?" Sahira places her index finger on his mouth to stop him answering. "You're a wonderful man. You belong here with us. We love you." She feels stupid, saying this stuff out loud, it sounds like a bad Hollywood script in her mind but he needs to hear it, she is saddened by the possibility that no-one has ever loved him or told him that.

He looked away, as much as he could when she held his head still. "I know that, intellectually," he said wearily, sounding more like his usual self. "But I don't feelit. I never have." He sighed, looking utterly drained. She backs him towards the bed, rubbing soothing circles on his back and it's such a gentle action, designed to comfort that he is reminded of his mother and pulls her closer to him.

He's suddenly aware that she's stopped and has moved away and he stares at her as she moves around the room searching for the source of sudden noise which has filled the room. "Your phone." She explains with a frown before handing it to him. "It's Jac." He finds he doesn't care and puts it on the side, she can ring someone else, ruin their Christmas. He continues to stare at Sahira for several moments before shaking his head slowly and slumping back down against the pillows, staring at the ceiling with a strange expression on his face that she can't work out. The phone rings off and he relaxes until the phone begins to ring again moments later. He closes his eyes, takes the phone that Sahira is once more holding out to him and curses.

"This had better be good." He grumbles before leaving the room. "Hanssen..." He answers as he shuts the door behind him. Sahira holds her breath and counts to ten to try and calm herself. Yet again Jac Naylor has ruined a moment between them, Sahira doesn't care that Jac would not have known they were together. She sits on the edge of the bed, feeling defeated, no doubt Henrik will have to go into the hospital. Even if he doesn't he'll have withdrawn so far back into his Mr. Hanssen façade that her efforts tonight have been in vain. She punches the pillow in frustration and finds herself wondering whether it's worth it.

After a minute or two he returns and finds Sahira curled up under the duvet, feigning sleep. He frowns at the sight but doesn't comment, instead he turns the light off and moves to his side of the bed. He wonders when he started thinking of it as 'his side' and he climbs into the bed, sliding over to Sahira and moulding himself around her.

"Why are you here?" Sahira whispers and he doesn't answer, not entirely sure of the question she's asking. She elaborates for him. "Don't you have to go?" Ah, the phone call. He sighs.

"No. I don't need to." He knows that she'll be frowning and it results in a small smile, he can predict her responses some of the time, perhaps he isn't as out of his depth as he feared. He squeezes his arm around her and kisses the bottom of her neck before explaining. "Ms. Naylor was unable to provide an appropriate reason for her phone call, the reason provided was not sufficient for a consultant of her experience to bother her Director of Surgery at this time and I told her as much." This time it is Sahira who smiles as she imagines the conversation and Jac's probable indignation as Henrik hung up on her.

"That woman." She turns around to face him and tries to move towards him, so that she can curl up next to him but he holds her at arm's length. "Henrik...?"

"Let's not speak of '_that woman_', please." Sahira tries not to smile at his impression of her. He tries to pull her up and onto his lap but Sahira surprises him and turns to straddle him, burying herself in his embrace, content to be held by him. After a few minutes of comfortable silence Hanssen tenses slightly when she begins to run her fingers lightly over his back and shoulders in a random pattern, not lingering in any particular place before moving on. After a few seconds, Hanssen relaxes and allows himself to enjoy the feel of her fingers ghosting over his skin, the sensation making him shiver and he feels himself becoming aroused.

He panics when he realises that Sahira must know what's happening and Henrik is concerned about her reaction but Sahira's hands don't falter even though she must be aware and he calms again. Sahira is still straddling him and seemingly determined to test his patience with each little movement of her hips over his as she kisses his collarbones and makes her way down his torso as much as her position will allow.

He makes a decision – he's wanted this for longer than he cares to remember, he trust Sahira and he's done putting this off but still...

"I'm terrified." He finally admits and Sahira's hands stop and she looks at him, waiting for him to elaborate.

"You are aware of the debacle during my final term at medical school?" It's not really a question but she nods anyway, wondering how that is related. Her confusion must be evident on her face because Henrik smiles softly at her and looks away, she can feel him nervously fiddling with the hem of her sleep shirt and that makes her a little nervous too. He can see her lack of understanding just before he turns away, he doesn't know what it is but Sahira makes him want to talk; he never dreamed that he'd ever tell anyone about some of the things he's told her.

Although he's hardly an expert on relationships, he has been aware that Sahira is unhappy about something and after much contemplation eventually reached an answer. Truth be told, he was almost glad of the enforced week apart, it gave him an opportunity to examine his feelings and to make his decision about the future of their relationship.

"The idea of making love to one's best friend is intimidating enough except that this situation is exacerbated by the fact I have no experience to draw on. As a result of the situation with Collette," Sahira frowns, it seems a more cruel treatment of him now that that woman is real and has a name but Hanssen doesn't seem to notice. "I was not interested in being subject to that again; I am certain I lacked appropriate inspiration before I met you and since then, nobody has come close. I am aware that you have expected more from me than I have as of yet been able to provide and I apologise. I have never let you down professionally but personally I feel as I have done little else."

"I know at some point we need to talk, I need to talk. There are things you should know which may help explain my reticence." He continues talking, cutting off her protest before it begins.

"Right now, if you'll still have me..." Hanssen tangles a hand in her hair and Sahira closes her eyes and allows him to bring her head down towards his. He pauses just before their lips touch and she can feel his breath and closes the distance. The kiss is initially uncertain and Sahira realises that he needs her to lead him so she obliges.

Sahira guides Hanssen's hands to the hem of her shirt; he's all too aware that this is new territory for them and with shaking hands he begins to unbutton her shirt, starting at the bottom of the buttons and working his way up. He peels off her shirt, tossing it on the floor somewhere, not caring that she'll have to get up and find it at some point before Indy arrives in the morning.

Sahira begins to almost feel a little self conscious as he runs his eyes and hands up and down her torso, teasing her. He isn't often a verbally expressive man unless he's angry but his silent appraisal of her makes her unsure.

"Henrik...?" He rolls them over and Sahira is relieved, it's not going to be as one-sided as she'd feared. She always knew he wasn't the type for casual flings but she never realised how inexperienced he was, not that she'd have known if he hadn't told her. He finds a sensitive spot and gently bites her, drawing a quiet moan from her.

His confidence increases and he pauses in his exploration of Sahira's skin, replacing his fingers with his mouth. He kisses down her stomach, enjoying the little bit of weight she never managed to lose after Indy. She squirms slightly as he runs his fingers over her ribs and he smirks and files the information away for a later date. He uses the opportunity to try and remove her bra, annoyed by the barrier. He becomes frustrated and frowns when he can't undo it and Sahira recognises the problem and manages to reach behind her, pushing his hands out of the way as she releases the clasp with ease.

"It's easier than surgery, Henrik. Well, perhaps not CT surgery." He doesn't look convinced, nor does he respond verbally to her jibe. Sahira clutches at his scarred shoulders for support, throwing her head back, gasping as fire shot through her again and he lowered his head to kiss her exposed throat gently, his chest meeting hers. He groaned then, his body tensing, and she reached up to run her fingers through his hair, watching his eyes as he stared down at her; Henrik leans forward towards her and kisses her, more confidently than earlier and Sahira is content to allow him to dictate the pace.

He doesn't remove her bra immediately, not quite finished exploring and tasting her skin. He sees movement out of the corner of his eye and pins Sahira's hands to the bed as she tries to remove her bra, he looks up and stares into her eyes, daring her to resist and challenge him as she often does at work. The thought excites him, he's more aroused than he can ever remember being, not that there's much in the way of competition to draw from. He pushes the thought away as he finally removes her bra and lowers his head to her chest after committing the view to memory.

Part of him is still expecting her to leave him and if tonight is all he'll get, he doesn't want to forget it. His hands slowly follow his lead and as he explores with one hand tangled in her hair, holding her in place. His second hand traces down the edge of her breast, teasing her before he suddenly bites her gently, making her grasp and grab fistfuls of his hair. She rolls her hips against his in response, wanting to regain some control and Hanssen groans at the sensation and unable to help himself thrusts against her, increasing the contact between them.

"Sahira..." He groans her name as she repeats her actions and he's reached the end of his patience as he pulls back, not wanting to lose the contact but they need to remove the final bits of clothing they still have on. Henrik kisses her fiercely, as his hands skim down her torso, over the curve of her hip and he tugs at Sahira's shorts and underwear, she helps him by arching her hips, allowing him .He pauses for a moment as he takes in the sight of her lying naked in front of him, again committing this to memory.

He hurriedly removes the last of his clothing, letting it drop out of sight before moving himself back on to the bed and kneeling in the middle; suddenly uncertain of what to so, waiting for Sahira to lead. He feels surprisingly conscious of his nakedness; he'd always hated being exposed in front of anyone. When Sahira goes to meet Hanssen's eyes she finds that he still has them closed, looking like a lost boy rather than the fearsome Director of Surgery or Henrik, her best friend. She shifts and the movement makes him open his eyes and he apologises and offers her a shy smile.

Feeling positively wanton, Sahira props herself up on her elbows and watches with amusement as Henrik's eyes are drawn to her chest, she leans up further and pulls him down over her. Running her hands over his torso she realises just how nervous he's still feeling and in order to distract him she kisses him, relieved when he responds and relaxes.

She runs her hands down lower and Henrik finds he can't hold back a moan when she touches him, pushing against her hand. Holding his weight on his elbows, he hisses as she grips him firmly, already breathing hard he feels himself get harder as she strokes him. "Sahira!" He groans her name and she ceases her ministrations much to his relief, he settles himself between her legs and stares down at her in momentary uncertainty, shifting his hips slowly and deliberately, waiting for her answer.

Henrik pauses above her and with a smile Sahira realises that she can answer both the question that has been pestering her and his unasked question. "Yes."

A relationship with Henrik Hanssen is may well be the best thing for both of them.


End file.
